crawl ( f.w )

thirty eight.

a few days have passed and all i can say is, they were shitty. everything is colorless, dull and sad for me. i haven't been to class in who knows how long. and to top everything off, today is my dads birthday.

my friends, including finn, have tried to get me to leave my room for two days once they realized i have been camping in. i've barley texted or called anyone, even finn and gaten.

i just need time for myself. right now, i feel like a burden, like a person who has drama follow them everywhere. i don't need or want my friends in any of my troubles. ever since that night with miles, i haven't been able to sleep or eat properly. i'm not liking who i am at all. it's like i'm living in hell.

6:38pm. i groaned, leaning back on my pillows looking at my lyric book. i stared at the open page full of writing and grabbed my guitar, propping my phone up to record.

i took a deep breath before hitting record and let my fingers strum over the metal strings.

" you would've been forty nine today dad. a lot has changed in the past seven years and todays one of those days where i miss your hugs so much. i wish heaven had visiting hours but then again, i'd never want to leave. a trip to you wouldn't be so bad, but i must stay strong for you. you've taught me to always keep going no matter how much i wanted to give up. i've been working on this song for you for a couple weeks and todays the day you get to hear it. happy birthday dad, i will always be your little girl. "

i wiped my tears and sniffled, sitting the guitar in my lap. taking another deep breath, i felt vibrations through my hands as the tips of my fingers ran over the strings.

" youngblood thinks there's always tomorrow.
i miss your touch some nights when i'm hollow.
i know you crossed a bridge that i can't follow.
since the love that you left is all i get,
i want you to know
that if i can't be close to you,
i'll settle for the ghost of you.
i miss you more than life.
and if you can't be next to me
your memory is ecstasy.
i miss you more than life
i miss you more than life.
youngblood thinks there's always tomorrow.
i need more time but time can't be borrowed
i'd leave it all behind if i could follow
since the love that you left is all i get
i want you to know
that if i can't be close to you,
i'll settle for the ghost of you
i miss you more than life
and if you can't be next to me,
your memory is ecstasy
i miss you more than life
i miss you more than life. " 

trying to keep my composure, i gave a small smile to the camera and turned it off. i sat there on my bed covered in my own tears, trying to think positive about everything and anything.

while my head was down, i could see my room begin to glow from the sun outside my window. i lifted up my head and looked around the orange- pinkish room. my eyes widened as i began to feel warm, like someone was hugging me.

i immediately stood up and walked over to the window, looking at the sky. my breath was snatched from me once i took in the scenery in front of me. the clouds were lit up in front of the sun, giving them a golden tint. behind them, the sky was painted in two colors, orange and pink. it was absolutely beautiful.

grabbing my phone, i snapped multiple pictures. eventually, i found myself just staring at the sky. my eyes watered once i started thinking about my father. if he were still alive i wonder where i'd be right now. would i be with him at home taking pictures? would i still be here?