sixteen - spes [nsfw]

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I actually did so much research for last chapter, for the presentation- like a whole ass research project. All those numbers in the last chapter are real, pulled from a scientific report that I used. Loved seeing all y'all young academics in the comment saying "no idea what this is but hot" <3 y'all have my love because I too bullshitted my way through it

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You've never been this anxious about anything in your life.

Levi's coming over. He's coming over. 

There's a chant in your head of fuck fuck shit fuck shit and you can't figure out how to stop the damn mantra from being so loud in the front of your skull. 

He's coming over, he's fucking coming over and you don't know what's going to happen, what he wants, what's going to happen between the two of you, fuck-

This is awful. No, this is good. This is- fuck.

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god," you chant to yourself, checking the time of when you sent your last text. It's been left on read, five minutes ago. It took him fifteen minutes to get here on that stormy night, and that including stopping in the cafeteria to print that form. So maybe... ten minutes? 

Oh, god, so- five more minutes until he gets here? Maybe?

Fuck, should you be wearing something different? You'd thrown on a hoodie and sweats as soon as you'd gotten back to be comfortable. No, wearing something different implies that you're expecting something- should you be expecting something?

There's a knock on your door.

Without even stopping to give yourself a second to think, you reach for the doorknob and pull the door open.

It's Levi. Standing in front of your door, breathless, like he'd been running. His mouth opens, then closes, like he can't figure out what to say. He's gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous, and it sucks any words straight out of your system so that you're both speechless.

For a second, the only thing the both of you can do is stare.

"I hate you," Levi says abruptly.

"Great start," you reply immediately.

He stares at you incredulously, like he can't believe you just said that, but in all fairness, you're still stupefied that he's at your door to begin with. One of your hands is braced on the doorknob, holding it so tightly that you wouldn't be surprised if you snap it off.

Levi looks conflicted, like he can't decide what words to use to describe whatever's going on in his head. He rakes his hand through his hair, which you find stupidly attractive, and you chide yourself for thinking so.

"I hate you," Levi repeats lowly, eyes locking onto yours, "because I can't stop thinking about you. I hate you," he says again, and chills erupt down your spine, "because every minute I'm not with you just has me thinking of when I'll see you next, and I- I don't understand it. I don't get it."

Your heart feels like it's going to jump out of your throat. Your legs might give out underneath you. Because somehow, he's putting your feelings into words.

"I hate you because I don't understand you," Levi says, and there's a bit of desperation in his tone as he continues, "but I do, I do understand you, I get that you're a people pleaser but it's only because you care, I get that you care so much about people that you hold yourself back from getting attached so that you don't get hurt while simultaneously doing absolutely everything you can for the people around you, and it makes you independent and selfless and hardworking but I-"

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