Fragments Of A Broken Mind

C

I hate it 

Cause it hurts

But, even though

I wish for it to end

I know I'll never end it myself

Cause I've seen what that does

I've lived what that does

Its a domino

I never wish to be a part of

Its a cycle

I hope I never complete

Its pain

Raw, unfiltered pain.

Its walking in to a room

Not knowing

If you'll see another body hanging

Checking the obituaries

Unsure whether

One of your loved ones name is there

Blaming yourself,

Beating yourself up

For not seeing it sooner

For not checking sooner

For not telling them

That you love them

And, you're always there for them

Anytime any day

Cause now you know

That the second you leave

Someone alone

You don't know

What goes through their mind

You don't know

How lost they are

In those frightening thoughts

You don't know

How many nights 

They spend crying

Or how many laughs

They had faked

You don't know

And it hurts.

But, I'm going down on my knees

And I'm begging you

Believe that it'll end

But, please...

Never end it yourself.

A/n.

I have dealt with suicide since I was four. It was my grandmother first. However, I didn't learn that she had committed suicide till I was seven or eight. Then, when I was 13, my uncle committed suicide. That affected me more than it was supposed to and I didn't let a lot of people know. The main reason it affected me so much was I was currently during that time having a lot of self-harm thoughts myself. If I'm not mistaken, around a week before that I think I cut myself, actually.

And, then I saw what his giving up did to everyone who knew him. I promised myself I wouldn't ever give up on my life two weeks after his funeral. And, that when I started writing poetry. There are days that I get so incredibly tired and I don't wanna do anything. I just wanna lay in bed the entire day with music in my ears so that I don't have to listen to the noise outside the bed and in my head. I have struggled a lot with ignoring how easy it'll be to just end it all right then. So, if you're in that place, I get it. I wish neither of us did, but we do and it's heartbreaking.

However, with that being said. I need you to hold on. I need you to believe it'll end. I need you to trust that one day, you'll wake up with a smile. I need you to wait for that moment that you're going to feel immensely loved and cared for. Cause I believe that that moment will come for everyone. 

I know that my pieces are usually very dark with mentions of suicide, abuse, heartbreak and the works, but I have never intended them to support or condone suicide or self-harm. The intention has always been to help people realize that they aren't alone in what they're going through. That even though situations may vary, the depth of pain that you're in may differ, you'll still realize that there are other people fighting and holding on. I am truly sorry if my intention has not been clear. I take all responsibility for that.

I hope everything gets better for all of y'all. Seriously.

Much love, ana_banana2103