Delta [Epsilon #2]

Chapter Eight

Raina

******

Silent tears rolled down my cheeks as I mindlessly navigated the winding corridors. I knew I was getting lost within this opulent labyrinth, but I didn't quite have it in me to care. 

I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe Kyra had endured all of that, right under our noses. Right under my nose. 

I pushed my palms into my eyes. I'd seen her -- talked to her -- during it all. And yet I had not bat an eye. All along, she had been silently pleading for my help, with stolen looks and double-edged words that I only now realised were cries for help. But I'd ignored it all. And now... now Kyra was broken, because of us. Because of me. 

I'd failed her, both as a friend and an ally. 

Another sob heaved out of me, earning startled looks from several Northerners passing by. I didn't feel the embarrassment, not with the guilt punching holes into my heart, killing me just as he had slowly killed Kyra.

My fists clenched. Torture. That's what it was -- cruel, gruesome torture. 

I swiped the tears from under my eyes, continuing my walk down the halls and corridors, not quite sure where I was going but also not knowing how to stop. Even as the people thinned out and the halls emptied, I couldn't pause. If I did, I would never move again. If I did, my guilt would consume me whole. I could feel it now, chasing me down, shadowing my every step. 

And I may have never stopped if it weren't for the firm grip on my shoulder, whirling me with the force of a hurricane. I yelped as the world spun in my peripheral, deep blue eyes setting into focus before anything else. 

Azure's nails dug into my shoulders. I cowered at her presence, at the anger that radiated off her in pulsating waves. Anger, fury, hatred... all so different from my shame and guilt. 

"Was that a joke?" she seethed, eyes rooting me to the spot. I couldn't move. I couldn't so much as ask what she meant. "You said you wanted to be a fighter," she clarified. Her grip was so tight I was sure my skin would puncture. "Was that a joke? Did you really mean that?"

I blinked. "Yes, of course I meant it." I wanted to say it with conviction, to lock her eyes and assert my certainty. But I couldn't. My gaze was quickly on the ground, voice painfully woeful and soft even to my own ears. 

Silence.

"No, you don't."

My head snapped up. "I do--"

"No, a real fighter doesn't allow themselves to woe in self-pity," she spat, her words carving a hole into my chest. "A real fighter doesn't allow themselves to feel shame or guilt. They don't shed tears. You know why?"

I didn't answer. My fear wouldn't let me. And it looked as though my silence confirmed something for Azure, for her tone was flatter as she finished, "Real fighters turn that shit into anger; rage. They want to kill whoever inflicted such pain on their loved ones."

I blinked. "Of course I want to kill Azriel."

"Do you, Raina? Because I don't think want to. I mean, really want to. Would you take his life with your own hands, relish in his blood, or would you rather him just die for your convenience?"

I opened and closed my mouth, waiting for words to come to my aide, but they never did. My lips thinned into a tight line. What the hell did Azure know about me, anyway? She didn't know my thoughts. She wasn't a mind reader. Still, I couldn't help but feel that maybe... maybe she was right. 

But I wasn't ready to admit that.

"I do," was all I could manage, but there was no steel to my voice, no certainty. Not like hers. I found myself envious. 

Azure's face contorted into a sneer. "You don't, Raina, because your own guilt is overpowering that desire. You're letting some stupid little emotion get in the way of avenging your friend."

"What do you know about anything!" I snapped, the tears blurring my vision again. I was glad the halls were void of life, because I was sure my red face and congested voice was not a pretty scene. Azure's dry laugh rattled every inch of my bones. 

"What do I know? I know that that shit eats you alive. Guilt will tear you apart, weaken you, but that's just what comes with being a weak soul, Raina. Because, if I'm being honest here," she leant down to my ear, her words almost challenging as she said, "You're far too soft to be a fighter."

I retreated a step, staring at her as though she'd slapped me, and she smirked as though she had. I couldn't believe her words. I turned them over in my head, trying to make sense of them whilst simultaneously denying the results. It wasn't true. I wasn't weak. I could fight, I knew I could! Still, something stung as I stared at her, betrayed, the words echoing in my head. 

Did she really think I was soft?

"Even now, you're pitying yourself -- feeling sad instead of angry at what I've said." Her voice was low, measured, and any hint of that challenge was gone. And I realised that, maybe, she knew I wasn't worth challenging. Something about that hurt me more than I cared to admit. 

"You don't have that fire, Raina. The flame every fighter has," she continued, twisting the dagger in my chest, and I could almost imagine her whispering the words into my ear. 

I wanted to say something, but I didn't know where to start. It was as though I was a fragile piece of paper, and Azure had just torn me apart, bit by bit. I had no idea where to begin putting myself back together. 

A few moments of silence ticked by. Sighing, Azure stepped back, shaking her head. "When you can grow past your guilt and answer to the rage, that's when you become a true fighter, Raina."

That was it. Without another word, she turned on her heel and strode off, gone as though we'd never even spoken in the first place. I blinked after her, turning those words over in my head, everything she'd said. Guilt, rage... was she speaking from experience? Did she know the pitfalls of guilt because she, too, had been victim of it once?

Fire. She said I had no fire. But I did have fire, right?

Right?

******

(A/N): hey guys! I don't know if you've noticed that my chapters are longer than usual (not this one, but the other ones). I just want to say that's the reason why I don't upload as frequently. (I hope that's okay with you guys!)