This Love ✔️

This Thing He Carries

"You can't fix your mistakes. Once their dead, you can't make them undead."

I close the book and throw it away somewhere in the room. My whole life I thought books were just stories people made up to entertain others and make money. I thought they were just filled with random words smashed together to form a somewhat amusing story. And ever since I saw Sadie in the book store with her arms full of books I've wondered why people love them so much. I mean aren't they always the same?

Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, they get married and happily ever after? Of course there's some werewolves and vampires and dead people and a jealous douche ex-boyfriend.

And when Sadie shoved The Things They Carried at my chest I didn't think twice about it and put it back on the table and walked out. But then I screwed everything up and when I saw that book store again I had no self-control and went in to buy the stupid thing. I guess in some way this is the only thing I have left of her. Well this and her bra that she never got back.

But this is more meaningful.

I started reading the book last night at a show when I had my break. Before I knew it I was thirty pages in and about to be fired for not doing my job. When I got back to Mason's house I tried to leave the book in the pocket of my bike, I really did, but for some damn reason I brought it in with me and I've been reading it ever since.

Now I finally realize why Sadie likes reading so much, especially this book. You can lose yourself in a book, in another world that's better than your own but you find yourself while reading too. Perhaps when I was younger and my world was falling apart, books would've saved me rather than drugs. Perhaps books can be drugs too.

I look at the clock on my phone. 6:25. That means my family will be sitting down at dinner soon and thinking about where I am but not caring enough to actually ask where I am. I can't remember the last time I went home and it's really been bothering me. Not because I've been missing my family, God no, but because I miss the only thing I have of my mothers. That and I kind of miss pissing off my Dad. It is a full time job obviously and I've been slacking lately.

Twenty minutes later I'm pulling up to my house, the same house I've been living in since I was born. The same house my Mom lived in before she died. The same house where my Dad started a new life. And the same house where my life ended.

I carry the only possession I have with me, the book, in the pocket of my hoodie, and make the short walk to the house of hell. The only thing that makes this house even worth looking at anymore is knowing my Mom walked these very halls, she cooked in that kitchen, she put me to sleep in my bedroom, she walked through this door. The only thing I have left to hang on to anymore in my life is a ghost.

How pathetic is that?

I ruined the only chance I had with someone else worth holding on to. But that's my life now. I'm just one big fuck up who is just a burden for everyone around me.

"Honey I'm home," I holler the second I walk through the front door. I make sure to slam the door behind me with a lot of force. "What's for dinner my family?" I say sarcastically as I follow the scent of Grace's food into the dining room.

The first face I see is my Dad's, who is turned around in his chair to glare at me. "Hello darling," I tease, "how was your day at work munchkins?" I lean over him to grab a roll from the table, ignoring everyone else in the room. Biting into it I say, "You better not have been fucking your secretary in the elevator again."

"Sebastian," Grace says sweetly from the other end of the table but I don't bother to look up to even grant her presence.

"How many STD's did you contract this time Seb," Luca asks with a mocking voice.

I clench my jaw and break the stare down I have with my Dad to glare at my brother. "At least I-"

My voice, world, heartbeat, everything stops when I see who's sitting next to him.

"Say hello Sebastian," Grace says again in her motherly tone.

And again I ignore her.

I look at her like a life time has passed. I drink in every detail and get drunk off of it. Her head is down but I can see the blush rising to her cheeks. Her blonde hair is like a waterfall of gold falling in front of her face. Why is that ever since I met her I now only think that blonde is the right hair color? Or everyone should only have green eyes. Or everyone should be exactly like her, otherwise they aren't worth the space on this earth.

Like shattering a perfect picture frame, Lucas raises his arm to lay over her shoulders, a sickening smirk showing the real devil behind his eyes.

"This is my girlfriend," Lucas says languidly, "Sadie."

"Take a seat Seb," Grace's soft voice fills my ears again and I have to hold back everything not to snap at her. Instead I ignore her.

"Don't ignore your mother boy," my Dad says between clenched teeth and clenched fists.

"Don't," chastises Grace because she knows exactly what he just did wrong.

"You should listen to your own advice Dad," I jab.

He shoots up from his chair, sending it flying backwards and making Sadie scream.

"Get out of my house," he snarls like a dog; red face, foaming mouth, wild eyes.

"It's my house too, remember? Or are you going to send me off again?"

"We have a guest so both of you sit down right now," barks Grace with that special occasion attitude.

"Actually I should probably head home," Sadie says nervously, her eyes not meeting anyone in the room. "I never asked my Mom if I could stay and she's probably worried."

Grace leans back in her seat defenseless, and we all watch as Sadie runs from the mad circus.

"One night," Grace sighs, "I just wanted one night."

"It's his fault," accuses Lucas with his finger.

"How is any of this my fault?"

"You scared off my girlfriend," he shouts.

"No, our precious caring father did that." I turn to glare at the monster who meets my stare. "You should thank him for all of this shit, not me."

"She doesn't ever want to see you," Lucas sneers.

I break the eye contact with my Dad to focus on my brother. "Did she say that?"

"Of course she did! She tells me every day!" He screams. "She hates you!"

"What are you two talking about," questions Grace who has forgotten about the ruined night and is more focused on things she can't fix.

"Sebastian fucked Sadie as a joke."

I hear Grace gasp and I hear my Dad curse but I have learned to zone that all out. The only thing I'm focusing on right now is the girl I love who just ran out that door.