Bon Bons to Yoga Pants

Chapter 19-Loaves and Fishes

The moment Mira dropped me off at home after the weigh in, I hurried downstairs, waving to McKenzie on my way, and opened my computer. My mind spun so quickly that I ignored the notifications on my Facebook account that could only mean Bradley wanted to talk to me.

Bitsy's advice had seized my mind. While the idea of hashing through emotions to admit an ungainly truth I didn't want to face didn't excite me, I was curious. In fact, I didn't feel relief until I listed every event of that terrible day. In a column next to it, I wrote everything else.

Frustrated with traffic

Ashamed of myself

Depression because I could only think of food

Self-loathing for eating two donuts without enjoying them

Self-loathing for needing two donuts

Annoyance that I can't stick to a diet

Annoyance that I'm overweight at all

Annoyed that I was hungry

Annoyed that this process is so hard

Angry I'm not good enough for Mom

Angry I'm not my sister

By the time I finished the self-examination, I stared at the blinking cursor on my computer screen and swallowed heavily.

"Good grief," I muttered. Despite having lost two more pounds that day, I felt a gaping hole inside my chest when I realized the extent of my problems. I wasn't just dependent on food to feel good or deal with a bad day.

I was totally addicted to it.

Food had carried me through a turbulent childhood with constant, subtle reminders from my mom that I wasn't skinny enough. Food had bonded me to my dad. Food had seen me through his death. Food had been there when it seemed no one else had. Food also made me depressed and insecure.

Like a songbird from my closet, the secret stash of Ho Ho's and Little Debbie snacks called to me from the black depths.

We always make you happy, they seemed to say. Remember all the nights we've spent together? How good the chocolate frosting tasted when nothing else felt good in your life?

And for a moment, I listened.

"Did you make me happy?" I asked out loud, tears filling my eyes. "Because I don't feel very happy right now."

Thoughts of my favorite foods danced through my mind for a minute. Chocolate cake. Warm apple pie with cold ice cream. Cupcakes with frosting and donuts with sprinkles. At least I'd feel happy for a moment.

I finally stood, walked to the closet, ripped it open, grabbed my stash of happy snacks, and shoved them all into the garbage. Just to be sure I wouldn't eat them, I dumped window cleaner on top.

Exhausted, I collapsed on my bed and fell asleep.

#

"You all right this morning, Lex?" Mira asked, eyeing me from her place on the elliptical next to mine. The quiet whir of machines and the occasional clank of someone dropping a weight set filled the background. I'd come to be okay with the easy atmosphere of the gym in the morning, although I still couldn't say I looked forward to it.

"Yeah," I said, trying to infuse my voice with a sincerity I didn't feel. I didn't want to tell her that I'd dreamed of Fudge Bars chasing me all night long. "Just tired, I think."