Fractured | Tobias Eaton ✓

45 | Good Job, Tris

Today is the day. Initiation day. I survived the last month or two. Somehow. Now I'd have to beat my fear landscape in front of everyone. I've spent every day for the rest of that week in my landscape. My time is scarily low now. Even Tobias has told me it's unusually fast.

All I do when I enter is remind myself (over and over again) it's not real. Then I skate right through. My family is dying? No, they're fine, completely utterly fine. And when I treat them like they're fine, it moves on. I'm about to fall into the chasm? Too bad–I've already jumped into it.

I'm naked in public? No issues at all, I just pretend no one is there until I calm down. It seems my fear of bloody things has attached itself to anything it can. Sometimes my family bleeds from every orifice on their faces or sometimes I'm bleeding as I'm stripped naked in front of everyone I've ever seen.

It's particularly hard when I see Tamino's arm break over and over again. It happened when we were young, in the Hancock Building. I was bigger than him at the time and had to carry him home while he screamed. I don't think I can ever get over how hard he cried.

But if I'm lucky enough to be spared Tammi's injury–I think my time will be a winning score.

I had no idea what initiation day would look like since neither Baba or David got this far but it's weirdly... Dauntless. There's alcoholic drinks everywhere–anyone who doesn't have a part in initiation is drunk before 11 AM. The celebratory nature of the event calms my nerves despite how loud it is.

I'm wearing my mother's hijab... for good luck. And strength. I'm confident I will do well but it is still horrifying thinking about others seeing me go through my fear landscape. Chris and I eat lunch together, wondering where Tris could be.

We don't talk much, we're both on edge. She's probably worried about her times. After we finish eating, Will joins us on our way back to the dorm.

"Are you ready?" He asks.

I shrug, "I've been practicing so I hope so. How about you?"

"Not at all. Just hoping I get out quickly enough to not get cut." That's a decent enough strategy. It's kind of hard to gain an advantage when dealing with human emotions. I'm just lucky I was able to rough it out.

Christina is silent, "Are you okay?" I nudge her shoulder and she shakes her head a few times.

"Uh, yea. I guess. Just a bit nervous. Let's find Tris."

She's sleeping in her bed with a tray sitting on the floor beside her. Tris ate in here? Chris wakes her and we all get ready. I retie my shoes, tighten my hijab, little things. I've been wide awake since six this morning. I tried to sleep some more but my brain wouldn't shut off.

The crowd on the glass ceiling is weirdly comforting to me. My hand is pressed into Tris' back and she's doing the same with Will. I can't see the floor and I'm so thankful for it. I nearly lose Tris but I grab onto her jacket just in time. I squeeze through the crowd of people and exhale loudly.

"What the hell, I almost died in there."

Christina shakes her head, "You're so dramatic, Rita. Come on," She loops an arm through mine and Will's. I loop an arm through Tris'. We travel as a pack.

—

Tobias stands in front of all of the initiates and I'm reminded of our first days here. "Transfers,  the order in which you go through the final test was taken from your rankings as they now stand." He pauses and I clench my fists, "So Drew will go first, and Tris will go last."

I'm second to last so I have to wait through six other people. Guessing from everyone's average times shown on the screen, it's gonna be a while. I sit on the floor, leaning my head back on the wall–trying to sleep as I wait.