seraphic [h.s]

chapter forty seven.

It turned out, there were a lot of things I never knew about myself. It was peculiar to think that if pain hadn't unlocked a need to dig deeper within me, I never would have known what is was like to live the life I did now.

How crazy was that? That every choice, every action, led to something new. If I hadn't taken a certain path, everything would be different now.

So it made me wonder how my past self knew which way to go, which choice to choose. Was I making the right choices now? Should I be making different ones? There was no way to tell, not really, but my surroundings now made those thoughts easier to digest as passing ones, instead of ones to worry about.

In saying that, something new I'd learnt about myself in the past few years? I really liked the beach. And that was where I was now, sitting on a bench at the forefront of a little hill. It overlooked the water, the rolling waves that created the sweetest sounds. It wasn't being in the water that I particularly liked, but it was just being there that I loved so much.

It had been a year into my stay with Dee when I'd discovered there was a little pocket of beach water beginning near where we lived. It was a good fifteen minute drive or a twenty minute walk from our apartment. At the time, I'd been in need of a place to clear my head and somehow, I had stumbled upon the rumbling waves that yearned almost as loud as I once had. It had pulled me in, the lonely bench calling my name, and I had taken a seat and let the vision consume me.

What I loved most about it, was that it was a constant— the water. It wouldn't be going anywhere, it wouldn't be taken away, it wouldn't decide one day to up and leave. The water would always be there. It adapted to its surroundings, it tweaked some things about itself when the seasons would change, but the inner parts were still the same.

I liked watching something constant but ever changing. Knowing no matter what I did during my day, or how far I strayed, at the end of it all, I could always come back to this exact spot and see the same thing.

And that was what I did, from time to time. I came to this spot, to this exact bench that had seated me many times before, and I just watched. It felt nice knowing the water would hold me like tight arms and keep me afloat if ever I chose to take a dip in it. It would hold me and never let go, and it would always be there. And even though I felt the same comfort in Dee's arms, I couldn't ask her to drop what she was doing to hug me every second of the day. 

Not only did it calm my mind and raging thoughts, it kept me in tune with how simple life was. It reminded me of what mattered and what didn't. Of what to focus on and what not to. The salty air let me unleash my worries through it, and it swirled around like it was clearing my mind because it knew how much I needed it.

Another thing I'd figured out about myself? I thrived in winter. There was so much I loved about being wrapped up in comfy clothes, of needing to cover up from the wind as if it would touch skin and rein its fury. It was the hot cocoa nights and early mornings waking up with fresh coffee. I loved being warm when I was surrounded by coldness. And I hadn't cracked the code on what that meant yet, or what that really said about me, because the salty scent took those thoughts and plunged them deep into the water I continued to stare at.

Usually, when I visited this place in the early mornings like I always did, like I was doing now, my attention would always be caught by a certain little green bird with the most beautiful feathers I'd ever seen. I loved watching it sing, loved watching it jump around in the grass like it was just as excited as me to be sitting there in front of a view like that.

So this morning, as the beginning peaks of light began to break through the gloomy clouds above, as I waited and waited for my attention to be caught by sweet little chirps only to find that it wasn't, that in itself should have given me the feeling that it was going to be a strange day.