BLUE

Euphoria

'This is the night when these woods sigh

Come with me

There are people who cannot speak

Without smiling'

It's her favorite song that she listens to more than ten times a day. She has been sitting there listening to it nonstop, her legs hanging like a little child's for more than two hours now, maybe for the last time and she wishes that she will appear somewhere that birds sing this song day and night, and her breath sounds like this song. Hopefully.

She stands up looking straight as she fears heights, and walks back two steps still looking straight ahead. Turns around. Keeps one step back. Closes her eyes. Sighs. Smiles. Keeps another step back.

She started flying for the first time in her life. Flying downwards. She kept her hands straightened downwards and her palms spread out waiting to feel the cold water. It felt like a lifetime till she finally got to feel the water kind of hard on her feet though it was supposed to be only ten meters.

She was finally in the water. It was quiet but she could hear 'the wisp sings' in her head. She felt the cold tile on her feet and opened her eyes to see her surrounded by blue which is her favorite color. Everything was perfect. Her favorite song, her favorite color, her favorite quietness, she was surrounded by her favorites in a long time. Her lungs started telling her that they had run out of air and that they needed more. 'I don't need more' she thought and held on until her mouth opened against her will looking for oxygen but receiving water. She felt water going down every tube she had inside, and she closed her eyes in pain. 'No pain no gain' she thought in her subconscious and memories she had been piling up in her for all these forty-five years got unveiled like a film tape in front of her closed eyes. The visions moved fast and fast and stopped at the memory she hadn't known that she was having inside her all this time.

It's was the day she took her first step. Her parents were in awe. They were happy, she was happy. And then it was the day she first got As for all subjects and they had a small party to celebrate her triumph. She was happy. They were happy. And then it was the graduation day. People congratulated her. She was going to become a doctor, just like her father. They were proud. They were happy. Was she? It was her wedding day. They looked perfect together. Everyone was smiling. They congratulated her again. She was happy. She was going to start a family of her own with her soulmate. How wonderful was that. She was happy. They were happy. Her first baby came into life. She was the cutest she had ever seen. She cried in happiness. She was happy. They were too. Her second baby came into the world. A boy this time. She was happy. They were happy and and ....

Both her feet kick on the tiles involuntarily and pushes her body upwards. Her mouth opened wide inhaling air and her body was taking her to the pavement.

Why did her memories end there? Cause she ran out of air? Cause she wasn't the protagonist  in her memories from that point on? She was forty five. What accomplishment did she have to gain to make them happy again? What accomplishments were left for her to make herself happy, worthy? Looking after her kids and make sure that they grow up to be good people? See them become successful? See them get married? Like her parents did? Like everyone did? Like everyone eventually does? But what if she has had enough? Can't she just move on? To start anew? From the beginning? Making everyone happy? Making herself happy? cause she loves showing them that she is worthy. Isn't that what everyone wants? Showing them their worth? Why was her body hesitating? Is moving on this hard?