Jagi's Book of One Shots

Jimin - Stuck

Sitting here I felt as if my whole world was about to fall apart. I was anxious, and scared, but most of all I was angry. I was angry because this shouldn't be this hard. This should be a joyous exciting thing that we get to experience.

Not this.

Not me sitting on the toilet seat, waiting the 3 minutes as Jimin stands in the corner of the bathroom, biting at his thumbnail.

I should be doing this on my own. Planning and plotting a cute way to tell him we are pregnant. But after years of waiting, this was what it came down to.

Both of us waiting for a stick to tell us we could be parents.

Polycystic ovarian syndrome is truly devastating. The feeling of your body betraying you, getting hair where you shouldn't be, retaining weight, unable to lose weight no matter how hard you try, and the stabbing pain of menstrual cramps are debilitating.

But I could handle that. I could handle all of that.

What killed me was watching the disappointment in Jimin's eyes every time I had to tell him it was negative. He is such a kind and loving soul, he deserves to be a father. And I cant give it to him.

The weight of that alone was crushing. I felt like I was failing him. Failing the love of my life.

"It's ready." He gently spoke making me look up at him.

His eyes were glued to me, patient as he waited for me to muster up the courage to look.

We had gotten so used to this process, we always made sure that we did three tests at a time. Just to be sure of the result.

I didn't move much, and I let my eyes drift in a daze to his feet. That's when he moved, and knelt down to me, catching my eyes.

"Whatever they say. We will be just fine, okay?"

I nodded, unable to really talk. In truth I did not want to look at them. I really, really didn't. As if he could read my mind, he gave me a kiss on my cheek before standing and reaching for the tests. I kept my gaze down listening to him shuffle through the different pregnancy tests on the counter.

He made no sudden movements, not a single sound giving away anything.

But I knew as soon as his hand reached for my shoulder, that they were all negative.

I couldn't help it. I burst out into tears, slipping from the toilet seat I was on, onto the floor. Jimin quickly followed me, even getting behind me, wrapping his arms around me and rocking me back and forth as he tried to calm me.

"Shh, shh...it's going to be okay."

For quite a while I cried in his arms, my mind circling with so many thoughts I felt like I was falling into a black hole. Somehow I had the strength to pull from Jimin's hold and get to my feet. I took the pregnancy tests, all of which said 'negative' and threw them in the trash with high force. I then walked out of the bathroom and into our bedroom, my mind still spinning.

I cant keep putting Jimin through this. I started to pace, completely ignoring the fact that Jimin was now leaning on the doorway. I ran my hand through my hair finally snapping and caving into my anger.

"I cant keep doing this." I said, making Jimin look up to me. "I cant handle seeing the look on your face every time a negative test comes up."

"Baby -" he started, but I cut him off.

"No." I said. "You deserve so much better. So much more than....this." I growled.

He then stood on his feet giving me a concerned look. "This?"