Living With the Choices We Make (Domestic Violence / Abuse) ✔️

41 - Having To Live With The Choices I Made

This chapter is dedicated to my two beautiful children who have always supported my dreams - I couldn't have made this journey without you.

41 - Having To Live With The Choices I Made  

I am lying on my cot at the jail, captured in my gloomy thoughts, the word 'guilty' echoing over and over in my head. This is it – I am a convicted murderer and there is no sugarcoating about it. I was wrong, period. The little bit of hope I had that I would actually be walking outside closed walls again and re-launch my life was crushed in the blink of an eye.

Pam made matters worse by polling the jury though I realize that she was just doing her job. Twelve times the word 'guilty' sprang from the jurors' lips – each and every one of them standing up, looking me square in the eyes and telling me with this one word how wrong I had been. I took a human life and I was not justified.

It has been six days and I have felt awful. Pam came by a few times in a futile attempt to cheer me up and restore my optimism. Her firm conducted post-trial jury research which pretty much meant that one of the lawyers called them and had a chat with those who were willing to spill the beans.

Ultimately, I really didn't care what went on behind those closed doors since it didn't change the outcome but she enlightened me regardless and I was too polite to just blow her off. At first, the jurors were split six to six but throughout the deliberations, they agreed that even though I believed the murder was lawful, this belief was not reasonable. In a nutshell, I made a terrible mistake that no one else would have made in my shoes but I wasn't aware that it was wrong.

Pam cautioned me not to beat myself up but accept the choices I made and face the consequences. Things might not turn out as bad in the end and I could get out in a few years. They offered many programs in prison and I could complete my GED and maybe even take a few college courses. I know she is right and I have spent some time thinking about what to do with the rest of my life but my mind always comes up blank. Imagining what the future will hold scares me in all respects – no matter if I am in prison or not.

At Pam's request, I was on my best behavior when the woman from the probation department stopped by to interview me for the pre-sentencing report. I didn't want to give Pam more grief - that was the least I could do for her since she didn't charge anything for representing me.

The pre-sentence interview was a drag - for an hour, the lady bombarded me with questions about my childhood and my feelings and I tried my hardest to cooperate. Luckily they didn't make me go through another psychological evaluation but took Doc's report. I had two more physical examinations and my pregnancy is on track – the doctor said that they will transfer all my records to the prison and that I will be taken to a hospital when the time comes to deliver the baby.

I have been constantly exhausted and ultimately just want to be left alone, glad that the excitement will finally die down after the sentencing. I wonder what prison life will be like and the thought that I won't be locked up for twenty three hours a day but can freely walk around and even wear my own clothes is appealing. My dad could get me books from Amazon and some prisons even allow inmates to have their own TV and DVD player. All in all, it doesn't sound so bad but I also heard stories about rape and violence. That would be something I couldn't handle.

The key turns in the door, it is time to get back to court and learn my fate for the next four to twenty years. That's how long my sentence could be – all in the judge's discretion. I am handed my shoes and slip them on, slowly tying my shoe laces. That will be another advantage in prison – no more annoying suicide watch and I will be at least able to reclaim a bit of my privacy.