F O R T Y - S E V E N

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MAX COSTELLO


PRESENT
DECEMBER 2021

Sometimes life doesn't go the way you expect it, in fact it goes the complete opposite and you're left wondering, how could my life be different? If I didn't take that money for Jeff, if I never went off to Australia, if I never spoke to Oliver on...

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Sometimes life doesn't go the way you expect it, in fact it goes the complete opposite and you're left wondering, how could my life be different? If I didn't take that money for Jeff, if I never went off to Australia, if I never spoke to Oliver on the first night we met.

After I gave Oliver the keys to the locker I placed the letter I wrote in, I haven't heard from him since. It's almost been five days. I guess I got the message.

He's made up his mind and he doesn't want to be with a monster like me.

He doesn't feel safe with me and my letter clearly meant shit. I never wrote it to persuade him into getting back with me but to prove how much I didn't want to leave, it was a hard decision to make and just how much he meant to me when I wrote it.

I almost forgot that I had written it for him and now was a time to use it, if it meant absolutely anything to him. It probably didn't, he knows what he wants and it's clearly not me.

Oliver needs a life of calmness, peaceful and easy. Maybe I can't offer that to him for what I've done, for what I've put him through. As much as I want him in my life, it's his ultimate choice and whatever he wants I'll respect.

If I have to let him go, I will. Even if it breaks me to pieces and I can't get out of bed for weeks, I will let him go because he deserves someone who will make him happy forever.

I know I make him happy but maybe that's not enough, he needs security and sanctuary. I've broken our trust and I will never, ever forgive myself for it.

If I lose Oliver, I've only got myself to blame and that is a haunting thought I'll live with forever.

I barely managed to pull myself to work this morning, as the days went on I slowly lost hope. He would have read it by now at least and yet I had no text, no phone call, no visit. Nothing.

Yet here I was at work, drying stained pint glasses and listening to customers scream, shout and laugh as they got intoxicated. I didn't want to be here, hell this was the last place in the world I wanted to be.

But I had a lot of debts to pay, I had to keep on top of my outgoings and earn a living before I ended up on the streets for good. Oliver definitely won't want me then.

I had ten minutes until the end of my shift and I wanted nothing more than to leave, order a Domino's and hide in my bed, watch Netflix all evening and try to ignore my imposter thoughts.

Work starts to get busy but as I'm off soon, I'm sent to restock the glasses from the dishwasher to the bar. Easy enough when I don't have to deal with drunk, obnoxious customers.

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