ESTEEM THYSELF

CHAPTER THREE

"Good girls gone bad!" I shouted as I slipped out of Tino's car.

They always dropped me off first then Susan and George, and finally the two siblings would go home. We were a gang like that since kindergarten. Susan and George were cousins, who lived five houses from the church stand with the Seniour Deacon and Deaconess for parents. They were wild and would do anything for a moment's pleasure.

Tino also my boyfriend was Nomsa's twin brother and they had similar character traits of promiscuity and negligence. They had my Sunday School teacher for a single Mum with their Dad remarried somewhere.

Looking at us as from childhood to adolescents, we were adorable and looked as innocent as every other child to anyone but our parents and a number of people who had known us for a long time...teachers, coaches, headmasters...

My friends were my seniors and that made it all the more exciting for me. I believed they had my back and Jordan was the only one always missing in action. He refused to be associated with us which we found quite hilarious.

"Jordan says we are playing with fire," I told them.

"He is not the one that burns at the end of the day," Tino laughed.

"I love fire, danger... whatever you call it...isn't risk the essence of life?"George would say thoughtfully.

"It's our lives...it's our lives," Nomsa and Susan chorused as everyone laughed and I waved goodbye...walking stealthily back in the yard and straight to my bedroom through the huge window of course.

So my father was right...there were bad influence in its highest forms.

However, under the strict measures for disciplinary action on me, I lost my virginity on an indifferent Sunday afternoon after the usual church service in one of the classrooms in the church building...Whatever it was that was pushing me to be so foolish was beyond me. It all started with a few kisses with Tino which eventually led to two bodies coming together at the wrong place and time, regardless of what I had been taught or the famous scripture,.."flee from sexual immorality."

We were both wrong and we did not want to think about it, just the temporary excitement and pleasure we had found in each other which didn't last at all as Jordan and my dad walked in on us.

"Jezreel!" his voice had boomed in the room as we both covered ourselves with the closest piece of clothing we managed to grab from the floor as Jordan stared, eyes wide open, jaw dropped and a pained expression before he stepped out and so did my father. I've never been more embarrassed thus far.

Tino, (Nomsa's brother) disappeared before I got the chance to recover and I had to face my parents once again all by myself after I had cleaned myself up. There was a heated argument between my mum and Dad as they accused each other on how they had spoiled me. How one of them had been too soft with me,..how momma had failed to do her duty as a mother to her daughter unlike Dad and his son...how this had done that...it went on and on until momma burst in tears and Daddy stomped out of the room and never came back. He spent the night in his church office, sighing and every now and then crying. He was distraught.

Momma tossed and turned the whole night...her pillow dripping with tears. She tried so hard to work it out in her head, to put the pieces together and see where they may have lost me but she could not put a finger on it.

"You are disgusting," Jordan had said," You must be happy now!" he had said when our parents were fighting then he followed Tino and beat the hell out of him.

I succeeded in to turning my brother into a monster and he had to be punished for it too. I felt so terrible about everything and more than once, suicidal thoughts flooded my mind. I felt like I only brought pain,discord and chaos in my family and it would obviously do everyone some good if I just disappeared into thin air and like everyone else, I did not sleep a wink that night.