t w e n t y- n i n e

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Tw: Mentions of drug usage, violence, and anxiety/panic attacks.

"You showed me a power that is strong еnough to bring sun to the darkest days."


Hi Delilah,

I have been dreading writing this for the last 9 months. I just couldn't get myself to think that this would probably be the last time I would be talking to you.

I think I am ready to do this. I don't know if you will read this or not but I am going to write this like I am talking to you. Just to give myself a closure that maybe, maybe one day we will talk again.

I really hope we talk again, even if it's just you insulting me. I really don't mind, just let me hear you talk to me for the last time, please.

Anyways, how do I start this journal shit? Here we go.

I started taking drugs, it was only once at a party and I overdosed. You probably wouldn't have heard of it because only my mother and your dad knew about it. And I know your father doesn't talk about me. Why will he? I ruined his daughter's life.

The overdose happened some weeks after you left me, and I was in the hospital for about 2 weeks. I still had to go to appointments so that they make sure I am still sober.

I am 8 months sober now. No alcohol, no drugs- absolutely nothing. It didn't feel that hard because I barely used to touch alcohol earlier but after you left me, it felt like being alive was difficult. 

And for the first time, when I saw myself wrapped up in wires and machines beeping near my head, I felt like I was my father. I felt like a fucking failure. 

And when I heard my mother, who was newly pregnant at that time, holding my hand and begging for me to not leave her alone, that was when I finally felt alive.

I knew at that time that no matter what happens I have to live, I can't risk my life just like that again. I had to live for my mother, my unborn sibling, and for you.

The drugs killed me and then brought me back to life. Because if I wouldn't have taken the drugs at that time, then I would have jumped off the roof and be gone forever. Because that was the original plan- to kill myself.

And today I am so glad that I didn't do it, because I wouldn't be here writing this stupid letter to you and telling you how much I miss you.

I know you didn't eat the chocolates that I sent you after I came back from the hospital and I definitely know you that you told your father to burn the little notes that I attached with them.

I have used almost all of my money to give you a packet of Ferrero Rocher every single day for the past 8 months. But now I am going to stop.

I am finally going to stop chasing you now.

But that doesn't mean that I can stop loving you, I don't think I can ever stop loving you.

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