imessage | c. hood

thirty six

Calum

"We said we'd both love harder than we knew we could go,
But still the hardest part is knowing when to let go.
You wanted to go higher, higher, higher
Burn too bright now the fire's gone,
Watch it all fall down, Babylon."

I sang into the microphone as the crowd went crazy and sang along with me. We were nearing the end of our tour and the last leg would be touring around Europe which was usually where we first traveled to. Tour was kind of warped together for me due to the excessive drinking and smoking that I had been doing. Of course I'd be sober for soundcheck and the actual show itself, but after that it was all a blur.

I was disappointed in myself for slipping back into smoking cigarettes but what did it matter if she wasn't here? I lost her two years ago and nothing has been the same. I know my bandmates have noticed, the fans noticed, everyone noticed, but I didn't care very much. All I wanted was to get lost in the darkness and be left alone.

We finished up the set and once we said our final goodbyes to the crowd we headed off stage and back to the dressing room. "Well that was a rush," Michael said as he grabbed a water bottle from the mini fridge provided and handed one to the rest of us. I opted out of water and went for liquor instead and received a warning look from the rest of the guys.

"One drink won't hurt," I told them and poured myself a drink in one of the shot glasses provided. I blatantly lied to their face because I proceeded to take three more shots after that one promised drink. We had to pack all of our stuff to head onto the tour bus and I was already feeling the effects on my body. "You good?" Luke steadied me and helped me onto the bus where I collapsed on the couch.

"Never better," I slurred and he sighed heavily while leaving me alone in the living room. They had all started turns to take a shower and I pulled out a cigarette from the pack I always kept on me and stepped outside to light it. I took it in between my lips and inhaled the smoke as it wafted throughout my throat and released it back into the air.

As I stood in the patch of grass beside the parking lot, staring at nowhere in particular, memories appeared in my head of picnics I would have with Aurora and how the last one ended. My words had hurt her, badly. I regretted it when I said it and I still regretted it to this day. She told me we should break up due to her promotion moving her to Europe and the was the last thing on Earth I wanted, but it happened. We broke up the day she was getting on that plane and I haven't forgotten the feeling of her warm plump lips kissing me one final time and saying goodbye.

She told me to take care of myself and find new love, but I didn't want anyone except for her. I never got to tell her I love her which was one of my biggest regrets. We were only officially together for three, almost four months but I've known her for over a year. We kept in contact for an entire year after she moved but eventually we ran out of things to talk about and I lost contact with her. I knew she was busy, setting up the new building and all, but God how I wish she would come back.

I debated on visiting her a couple of times but the feeling of rejection always stopped me from showing up on her doorstep. I always wondered if she found someone new, was interested in starting a family with them. The thought itself made me wanna throw up but it was a possible scenario. I finished up my cigarette and headed back inside to shower and wallow in my own self pity.

"Don't you still have her number?" Michael whispered to Luke who was about to respond but Ashton elbowed them both once I got back inside. "What's going on?" I asked when they all stood beside each other attempting to look innocent but failing miserably. I had grown a short temper so I snapped at them more than I used to but they claimed they understood.