A Mom in Middle School

After

Postpartum is so much worse when you don't have a baby with you. Or at least, I would hope having a baby would make it better. I was sore, tired, and afraid to go number two because of my stitches. Having the peri bottle thing didn't make it any better. My boobs were sore from being so full.

    I thought about having Opal here with me. I'd be able to at least relieve the soreness and have a cute little baby to snuggle and hug while I dealt with my emotions. And really, my main emotion was missing Opal.

    I cried in bed for a few days, just wondering if I'd made a mistake. Was it really a good idea to give her up? I questioned myself again and again and again. But the thought of her being warm and safe, with all her needs met with Ella-Mae and Jake didn't seem to relieve the pain and the sorrow, even though Janet and Marty said it to me again and again. It didn't make me feel better. Not one bit.

    What I really just needed was time. As each passing hour went on, it got easier. I texted Abbie and Blake a lot. Abbie even came over after school one day so we could study for our earth science final. It made me feel normal. Just for a bit.

    Then I went back to school on Thursday. Janet insisted I stay home for the full week, but I wouldn't. I couldn't keep staring at the four walls and ceilings of our bedroom, debating if the biggest decision of my life was the right one or the wrong one.

    I could see that Abbie was surprised when she saw me walking to the bus stop. I was gripping the strap of my tote bag. I was still feeling a little sore in all different places. I almost wondered if I'd make it to the bus stop, but I did. I did my best to hold it together while I talked to Abbie.

    "Are you okay?" she whispered.

    "Can I be real with you right now?" I asked.

    "You know you can."

    "I honestly feel like I'll never be okay again," I said, trying to hold back tears.

    "I know you don't like hugs. Otherwise I'd give you one," Abbie said. "Maybe an air-hug?"

    "I'll take an air hug," I said, sniffling.

    We held out our arms and fluttered our hands, then giggled. I really did need an actual hug, but I felt too embarrassed to ask, especially after I said in the past that I wasn't a fan.

    The bus came, and I slowly climbed the stairs. I was so afraid that those steps would tear all my stitches. Opal was a chunky one, almost nine pounds. I had a second-degree tear. Could've been better. Could've been worse.

    I took a seat next to Abbie, but she knew I didn't want to talk since I put my headphones in. The kids sitting across the seat from us were gasping and whispering as they eyed my new iPod touch, all of them jealous as hell. I moved all of my Simple Plan songs over to my new iPod and was just letting them seep into me.

I don't wanna think about you

Or think about me.

Don't wanna figure this out.

I don't wanna think about you.

Or think about nothing.

Don't wanna talk this one out.

I wished and wished my life wasn't the way it was right now, but couldn't actually wait to get to school. When the bus stopped, Abbie and I got out, then headed into the cafeteria. I had to take my headphones out and put my iPod away.

There were a lot of people who were stopping mid-conversation to glance at me. Necks were craning, heads were tilting, and it felt like that whole room was staring so hard that I'd turn to liquid and melt.

"Yo, check it out! She popped!" said someone near me.

"Damn, I bet her cooch is wrecked after that!" said someone else.

"Better a wrecked cooch than a tiny dick!" I shouted back in that direction.

"Come on. Let's get to the library," Abbie said.

We got through the masses and made it to the library, where Blake was sitting at our usual table. He had his backpack on one chair and his books on another one. The rest of the chairs were missing. There was a serious  Yu-Gi-Oh game going on at the table next to us. Blake cleared off the chairs when he saw us coming.

"They tried to take the chairs again," Blake said, motioning to the card game players behind us.

"So annoying," Abbie said.

I took a deep breath and sat down slowly. I hated the fact that I was in jeans. Life would've been much better if leggings were around by then. But, they weren't.

"How are you holding up, Ros?" Blake asked.

"I'm alive," I said. "Barely."

"I'm glad," Blake said. "Honestly, I'm not really good at this stuff and I don't know what to say. I'll never know what it's like to have a baby...so...yeah." 

"It's okay. I appreciate the concern," I said.

We sat around and talked for a while. I showed them the few pictures of Opal I had on my phone. I noticed the librarians walking by and trying to get in a look as well. I knew the teachers gossipped about me as well. They tried to hide it, but it was obvious.

The bell rang, and we got up to go to homeroom. Abbie went to Hetcher Hall, and Blake snuck into the elevator with me so we could go up to Norris. When we got up to the second floor, we looked both ways before getting out. I technically didn't have the doctor's note I needed to be able to use the elevator and was risking getting suspended, but I was seriously afraid of ripping my stitches going up the stairs.

We quickly got out of the elevator and went through the crowd to our lockers at the end of the universe. I almost didn't find my locker right away, because there were no notes attached to it.

"Wow, this is...weird," I said.

"What?" Blake asked.

"There's no notes on my locker," I said.

"Enjoy it while it lasts. I feel like every time they stop making fun of me for something, they find something else. When I got my headgear off last year, they started calling me a fag and a homo. I hope the same doesn't happen to you."

"I don't think you're gay, Blake."

"Good, because I'm not," he said, looking away from me, into his locker.

We were running out of time. I grabbed my books and went to homeroom, where no one looked at me. Not even once. Is this what it felt like to be normal? Was this really what my life was going to be like after having Opal? In a way it felt good, but I was still wondering if it was even worth it. I had a lot less bullies, but I didn't have my beautiful baby girl.