𝘠𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘏𝘰𝘯𝘰𝘳 | JJK | ✓

Resolution

Trigger Warning: Contains mentions of suicide.

The first snowfall of the year had lasted all day even though the snow came down in soft sprinkles, touching the ground and melting almost as soon as it had come. It still managed to bring the city a Christmas feel as the festive day drew close, covering the trees and shops with its powdery decorations. In the snowfall, the fairy lights looked extraordinarily divine.

Jungkook walked along the children's park beside the love of his life. The scene would have been perfect if only things were as simple as they seemed.

"When Mom passed away, I blamed Dad." He began, "It was easier to deal with the grief that way. Because I believed if he wasn't such a workaholic, if he actually cared for Mom, he would've found out about her illness way before it took her life."

Clear memories of his childhood, fresh as ever, flashed through his mind in blinding flashbacks. A casket. A framed picture with her smile frozen in time. White lilies adorning her grave. A tear glistened in his eyes. "But I refused to accept the fact that my father blamed himself more than I."

Jungkook was there to watch his father slowly deteriorate to a mere shell of his former self, liquor aging the man way past his actual time, driving him insane, unconscious, and never there.

"He turned to alcohol to drink away his guilt. It was hard to look at my father each day. I loathed him. I loathed his existence every single day. It was never enough for me: his self-punishment. Home turned into hell. And that's why I spent most of my time at school and with others. It was easier to forget, to laugh and ignore his existence when I was with my friends."

Thinking back, it pained Jungkook as he recollected each hurtful word he had uttered to his fading father who had lost his essence. It scarred him. It tore his insides apart with guilt.

Fights had been common in his life. If you could even call it a fight, because his father never talked back, never denied every spiteful accusation Jungkook had made. Every bit of insult he had thrown his way. His father only listened and drank away into the darkness. Jungkook hated his pitiful way of repentance, his wretched way of drawing away from reality with liquor. Because they could never bring back his mother.

"It was then that I found you... I was the luckiest man ever. I managed to forget everything even for a brief moment. It felt like bliss. Even if I never deserved such a thing."

Jungkook brushed away the snowflakes from her blonde tresses as she listened. For a moment, he was afraid she would push him away but thankfully, she didn't. She only listened.

"And then, it happened. My Dad who had held on for two years, two whole years of his personal hell, finally decided he had had enough. He..."

His throat choked up on the words. He couldn't say it. A lone tear spilled from his eyes. The cold weather froze his tear tracks. The memory of him bounding up the stairs to his home on that day, 8 years ago, flooded back to his mind. The sky had been overcast. He had just promised Heiran to meet up at the movie theater in a few hours. The door had been ajar. As he had pushed it open, a feeling of something odd had crept up his skin. His footsteps had grown quick and before he knew it, he had stood before his father's corpse, hanging from the overhead ceiling fan, gently swaying in the ghost of a breeze.

"Thinking back, I wonder why it was so hard for me to forgive him and know that he was hurt as well and perhaps bring him back to life." A sob wracked through his body and he felt a gentle hand on his back. "I was a horrible person, Heiran. I only cared about myself. My grief. I never even tried to understand him..."

He sniffled, each breath that condensed into the air an apology to his father. "And I felt like the most terrible human being on the planet. I felt like I didn't deserve anything. Not even you. How could I–" Jungkook choked, "How could I even face you when I was such a despicable, terrifying, utterly vile creature? You deserved so much more. You were a good person, Heiran, and I had to distance myself. I couldn't look at you. I couldn't bear the thought of what you would think of me once you figured out what kind of a person I was."