League Of Her Own

chapter four

I'd never had to do a first day of school alone.

On my first day of Kindergarten, I held hands with Brennan for the walk into the classroom. On our first day of school last year, Brennan had driven our shared car and I slept the entire way.

I wasn't an emotional person. The day after Brennan's accident, I was already tracking his doctor down in the hallway and demanding answers and prognosis. But standing in the kitchen, my mom making the first day of school Mickey Mouse pancakes, I could feel a crack.

"Do you want strawberries and whipped cream?" Mom asked.

"I want Brennan."

She paused, slowly lowering the plate down onto the counter. "Sam? Honey?"

The room was shrinking. I placed my hands on the counter, feeling the cool surface as I tried to remember how to breathe. Is the room shrinking or is my chest collapsing? Everything suddenly felt very small.

"... with me," Mom's voice said. "Okay? Listen to me." She took my hand, placing it on her chest. "We're breathing in."

I followed the rhythm of her breathing, my jaw trembling as I found myself sitting on the kitchen floor.

"I can't go to school today."

"I know this is going to be hard," Mom said, her voice cutting through all of the white noise. "And I'm so sorry I can't make it easier."

I don't deserve to be upset.

"I'm okay."

"No, you're not. But we can take a few minutes here and you will be."

The deep breaths ripped across my chest, a burning sensation creeping down to my abdomen. But I pushed through.

Jake's horn beeped outside.

"I guess it's time for me to go," I said. My voice sounded hollow in my ears, matching the hole in my chest.

Mom pulled my head close to her chest, kissing my forehead. And that's when I realized she was also sitting on the kitchen floor, right next to me.

"You are bright and strong and beautiful. And you're going to have an amazing day, Star."

All I could do was nod in response.

"I love you. I'm going to pack your pancake to go. And if any teacher gives you trouble about eating it, you give them my number."

That I had to laugh at, bowing my head as she stood up.

"You don't need to do that, Mom."

"Yes. I do."

I grabbed my backpack off of the chair, wiping the sleeve of my letterman jacket across my face as my mom handed me a lunchbox, filled with a separate Tupperware containers of the pancake, syrup, strawberries, and whipped cream.

"Shine bright today," she said, with a smile.

"I love you, Mom."

Jake was waiting in the car, and he hadn't noticed me come outside. He had the windows down as he belted along with Old Town Road, using a water bottle as his microphone.

Pausing on the doorstep, I tried to maneuver my phone out of my pocket to grab a video. But I was noticed before I could, Jake dropping his water bottle as he fumbled to roll up the window.

"Don't stop on account of me!" I called out.

"Get in the car!"

Sliding into the passenger seat, I showed Jake my Tupperware pancake. "She's officially lost her mind."