6| trust

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THERE'S A BRIEF MOMENT before the human body shuts down where everything still breathes in anticipation, where the neurons wait for the stimuli to be carried through and the ventricles are empty, only to never be filled with blood again. That, more than rigor mortis, more than decay, that always had stayed with Helene when she experienced death, no matter how many times. The act of a body waiting an eternity for everything to continue, even when it's soul had left. It was a haunting feeling, one which reminded her of herself every minute of every day, because she too, was always hoping for moments which would never come.

What was she hoping for now?

"Something's bothering you."

She looked up at Nathan, before glancing back at her food, still untouched. He was sitting on the other side of the dinner table, the room too big for two people. It made the space between them feel even larger than she could take, because the moment he had let her go everything had become hazy again. When he had told her he had something to show her, she had expected a corpse to be honest, but all he had done was give her a crimson dress to change into, before bringing her back downstairs to eat. Her thoughts were heavy in her mind again, one after the other predicting the possible outcomes of this all, none of them rose-colored. She had grown as weary of her overthinking as she had of herself.

"What makes you think so?" she said, starting to cut into the steak on her plate.

"You're quieter," he said," tell me, what's weighing on your mind?"

"Your love," she smiled warmly," I'm afraid that this is all a delusion which will disappear when I blink."

He mirrored her expression, but before he could pry any further, she lifted a piece of meat in the air with her fork, smile unwavering.

"Is this human meat?" she said.

His smile widened at once as he leaned forward, the light from the chandelier above catching in his eyes.

"It could be," he said," why? Does it matter to you if it's human or are you just worried who it is?"

In response she swallowed it, smiling as she waved her fork at him. "Neither, though I doubt you would feed me my boss. He does not seem like he'd taste well."

"That man should count himself lucky he even got to be near you," Nathan chuckled," do you really think I'd let you eat something as unrefined as him?"

"I wonder if he thinks himself lucky as well," Helene mused," I mean, he's dead now, after all. Is that on me? For picking the wrong choice when you asked me to distinguish what was real?"

His expression was amused as she continued, voice so warm that it almost seemed like she was whispering him sweet nothings instead of discussing murder.

"It's fine," she said," I suppose his blood stains both of our hands now. In a way, that's as romantic as it comes, right? I've never had a man willing to kill for me before."

"I thought it romantic as well," he said, resting his chin on his hand," our first murder, my love, isn't that something worth celebrating?"

As soon as he spoke he noticed the slip up, his laugh resounding through the empty house as he leaned back, hand in front of his eyes.

"Oh my," he said," you got me there." He removed his hand so he could look back at her, shaking his head. "As always, you're so sharp, Helene, even after days with no human contact. You made my heart skip a beat, you know."

The tension in her body had begun to lighten now one of her suspicions was confirmed. If she thought logically, everything she had seen in that room must have been a delusion, but that moment with Nathan — It had to have been real. If it hadn't, she couldn't even trust if she was truly seeing him in this room right now. Out of all the things she had wanted to ask, that had been her primary concern. Now he had admitted to having been there, she couldn't help but be relieved that she could trust herself more, even if it was still not enough.

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