You're The Straw To My Berry (Phan)

Part ten

 Dan P.O.V.

I got home and stripped down immediately, jumping in the shower. For half an hour I just stood there, enjoying the warm water running down my body. 

I washed my hair three times and scrubbed my body five times then got out the shower and brushed my teeth for longer than necessary, hoping to get rid of the taste of alcohol and the feel of PJ's lips against mine. I looked in the mirror above the sink and I hated what I saw. I was disgusted with myself, how could I ever do that to Phil when all he's ever done is made me happy? 

I loved Phil. I didn't love PJ. I wasn't in love with Phil, but love was the next best thing, right? But it didn't make it any better, it wasn't as if I pushed PJ off, I kissed him back, and then it was the thoughts during the kiss. How I preferred Peej's kisses to Phil's, how soft and easily his lips moulded into mine. 

I knocked cans and bottles off the shelf out of anger and then broke down right there and then. I sat down and pulled my knees up to my chest and sobbed, my head hurt from all the thoughts and I was so confused. 

I was sure I didn't have feelings for PJ, but there was something in me that told me I was lying to myself. 

I love Phil. Phil loves me. I love Phil. 

Yeah right, you'd have to be stupid enough to believe that. 

No, I didn't have feelings for PJ, I was certain of it. 

Pull yourself together; Phil can't see you like this. 

I sighed and got up making my way to my bedroom and pulling on clothes to sleep in and dried my hair. I made a cup of tea to calm down and sat up in bed sipping it deciding to wait up for Phil. It wasn't long until I heard the front door click open and my name being called out.

"Dan?"

"In here!" I called back setting my tea to the side and taking a deep breath. Phil came in the room and I did the best smile I could even though the guilt inside me was screaming. He didn't return it though and didn't say anything for a moment which made my stomach flip and my palms got sweaty. I gulped down a clump of fear that was building in my throat. Did he find out? Did PJ tell him? 

"Are you okay?" He asked me, looking concerned. 

"Yeah, I'm fine! Why wouldn't I be?" 

"You texted me saying you didn't feel well." 

"Oh! Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." 

"I'll bring you some medicine; I'll be back in the minute." 

"Alright," he came back with some tablets as promised and he had changed into a bigger shirt and shorts. I took them and he and got in beside me. I shuffled and snuggled into him and lay my head on his chest. He linked one hand with one of mine and traced circles on my back with the other. 

I was tired but the thoughts stayed awake in my head, not allowing me to go to sleep. I could tell Phil was slowly slipping into sleep after a while of not saying anything. He looked so peaceful and adorable that I couldn't help but kiss him. He kissed me back and opened his eyes a little and smiled. 

"I love you Dan." 

"I love you too," we didn't speak anymore as Phil went to sleep. The sound of his heartbeat was comforting to me as the hours slowly passed by me, the thoughts and worries seeming to triple. 

When it got to 6am, I slowly got out of bed as to not disturb Phil and sat on the windowsill in the living room so I could watch the steady sunrise. I opened the window so there was a small gap, the fresh air came rushing in which made me feel more awake despite not having slept. 

The sun crept up, the rays splashing onto my face. My thoughts seemed to disappear then and I realised how exhausted I was from all the hours of thinking, but the guilt never left my side. The sun blinded me but all I could think of was PJ's eyes when the sun shone in them and how bright they always became. And then I thought of Phil's and how blue they were, and how dark and straight his hair was compared to PJ's light brown curls. I thought of how pale Phil was and then PJ's fair skin tone that wrapped around his frame compared to Phil's skinner shape. Visual memories filled my mind of how when Phil covers his mouth when he laughs compared to how PJ looked down whenever a laugh escaped his pale pink lips. I remembered how PJ's embrace would welcome you with a homely scent and how you would be likely to be met with arms covered by a jumper, but when you hugged Phil his arms would be bare and you would be pressed against a colourful t-shirt while inhaling a scent that he sprayed on earlier that day.

I rested my head on the window, thoughts of Phil and PJ accompanying me, but I slowly drifted off in the sun's company, my last thought being how PJ smiles.

Phil P.O.V.

I woke alone and I got up, worrying about Dan. He hadn't been himself last night even though he tried to hide it, but I knew him better than he knew himself and I could just sense that wasn't right. 

I didn't have to look far, I found him sleeping on the windowsill being dangerously close to falling off. 

"Dan!" I whispered, trying to wake him. He gave a grumble as a reply and tried to snuggle back into the window. "Come to bed, what on earth are you doing out here?" His eyes fluttered open and he looked dazed. I helped him down and led him to the bed where he climbed in and was back asleep before his head hit the pillow. 

For the next few hours I did the housework and had breakfast before taking a shower. When I was dressed and ready I went back into Dan's room and poked my head through the door to see if he was awake yet. 

He was sitting up, arms folded cross his chest staring out the window, miles away in thought. 

"Dan?" But he didn't hear me and continued to stare out the window. I really worried now, he had never been this distracted before. Did something happen last night at the party? Why was he not telling me there was something wrong? Did he not trust me? Did he cheat on me? I felt sick at the last thought but I refused to believe it. He wouldn't do that to me. He wouldn't. 

The door creaked as I pushed it open and he turned his head straight away to look at me and smiled weakly. 

"Morning," I suddenly felt awkward with him staring at me the way he was. 

"C'mere," he opened his arms and I gratefully went over and melted into his figure feeling comfortable in his embrace. Like this we stayed for a while with easy conversation, but Dan ignored the subject of the party altogether or changed subjects if I brought it up. 

Finally he stretched and I let him go, and when I looked at him properly I could see how terrible he looked, with bags under his eyes and he looked stressed and worried. He had been my best friend for years and I trusted him, so I decided not to question him and settled on the thought that he would tell me what was wrong when he was ready. 

"I'm going for a shower, and then I'm meeting Peej so we can look at lenses," he told me. 

"Okay." 

"Movie night? Just us?" He asked, looking hopeful. I had plans to make a video later, but with eyes looking at me like that, how could I resist? 

"Sure!" He smiled again and kissed me then left the room for a shower.