Fear of Intimacy

Chapter 13...

Tasha

"Then he asked me to move in with him!" Sydni gushed, the widest grin on her face. She was practically giddy as the four of us walked down the street. "He said he wanted to buy a house for the two of us."

I smiled at the way she was almost bouncing on her toes as she walked. She was like the energizer bunny this morning. I've only known Sydni a little while but she's become one of my closest friends. She's literally the kindest, funniest person I've met and I'm beyond glad Josie introduced us.

Getting to know her and Bryton has shown me they were the cutest couple. Bryton worshiped the ground she walked on. Every time Sydni looked at her boyfriend you could just tell he was the one for her.

"We're so happy for you Syd." I grinned at her.

"Told you this vacation was going to be good for us." Josie beamed, looping her arm with mine.

At her words my head moved on its own, glancing over my shoulder at the person walking behind me. The sight of Trevor made my stomach flip. Last night...well it didn't go as planned. I wasn't going to tell Trevor about that night but the words slipped past my lips before I could stop them.

It felt oddly nice to tell someone beside Josie. It's this thing that has been weighing me down for months and while I wasn't fully healed from it, I felt a bit lighter having told Trevor.

What happened that night was....there really wasn't any words to say what it was. It's something that should never happen, to anyone, and yet it did. At first I felt ashamed. Ashamed that I put myself in that situation and that I should have known better. The shame and the guilt kept me from telling Josie immediately. I also figured as a counselor I should be able to deal with my own trauma.

It wasn't until one night when the two of us were sitting in her living room having our weekly wine night did I break down. I told her everything. It was her words that night that helped me.

It wasn't my fault. It would never be my fault. But even I knew it would take some time before I fully believed that.

So taking Josie's advice I went to Florida where my parents had a condo. They rarely ever went there so I was safe to go and be alone for awhile. What was suppose to be a week long 'vacation' turned into three.

But when I finally came home I felt better. A lot better. I wasn't going to let one moment define me or my future. So with a whole new headspace I was happy to be home. Happy to get back to my life.

Then that night with Trevor....I wasn't expecting to freak out on him. I hadn't been with anyone after the whole thing so feeling someone's hands on me, made me freak out. My mind immediately going else where. So I did the only thing I could in that moment. I ran.

That night all I could picture was Trevor's face and how he would react if he knew the truth. If he knew the reason I freaked out he'd probably think I was damaged goods. I highly doubted Trevor would want to be with someone like that. And as much as I liked him I couldn't subject him to that.

With all that in mind I kept my distance. I forced aside my attraction to him and kept our interactions to a minimum. But now being here...things have shifted. The hold on my feelings was slipping with each day. I don't know if Trevor felt the shift last night, but I did.

"I'm excited to finally see the island." Lydia's voice broke me out of my staring. Looking away from Trevor I nodded along with the others. We've spent the last two days by the hotel so to finally get out and about and see stuff was exciting.

In my hand I held a pamphlet that we got from the hotel this morning. It labeled some of the popular places to see, recommended restaurants, and small map of the town.