Number One On The List

Suicidal or Homicidal?

Was it suicidal or homicidal ideation in this moment? I wasn't too sure and I knew he wasn't either. Then again, nobody was sure either in the moment. I looked outside my window almost every night for the next few weeks just to be sure that I didn't hear a feminine cry for help or what have you not. I didn't. And I knew I probably wouldn't.

I envied Ryder soley because of how much sex he was having and I also envied how much Rhaven had gotten around too because they had more experience and they were having more fun than I was. It fucked with me mentally and emotionally. Like ALOT. Made me second guess everything I thought about and desired.I craved hearing the moans of pleasure coming from my partner and feeling the sweet release of coming with her.  I knew one of them must've known about my feelings, but I didn't know if either had cared.

For the next few weeks, whenever I saw her, I was obvious about my feelings and I decided not to care too much about her thoughts on it because she was doing what she wanted and I had to just let it go. I knew I couldn't give up on REAL love, I just had to stop trying to get my hopes up that it was going to be Rhaven. That girl was probably my FOREVER girl, but it was so mood-kolling to see her with him.

It was hard sometimes not to imagine how good he must be fucking her when it was supposed to be ME. I should have been fucking her and.. No. I should have been making love to her and treating her how she should be treated. Not like he was, not like just a fuck-toy that was to be controlled and locked down.

The thoughts ran endlessly in my mind for so long that I lost track of time. I shielded my mind and blocked it but I went into Rhaven's mind and the unbelievably amount of depressing things that were on her mind were so unreal, like an illusion. This was love or confusion for her and I had finally understood where she was coming from with some of her decisions. The amount of physical scars on her body didn't even compare to the ones hidden on the inside of her.

The amount of tears that had been shed endlessly. On a daily basis, she had cut on top of the scars she had recently gotten, almost every night. I could feel everything that she felt and I knew then that Ryder did too. He was a vampire shapeshifter, meaning he was able to turn into whatever he wanted if he concentrated hard enough and used his powers mostly but he could also use telepathic powers as if he were still a vampire even if he changed forms. I saw that there was more than just Ryder in the house and more than Rhaven...

Cyrus wasn't there but some other guy was and he had serious drug issues or something because he would periodically flip his shit for no reason.