Welcome to the Statehouse/Table Oneshots and Headcanons

Incorrect Quotes #6

California: I can't believe I'm the only one in this household with a brain cell
Gov: Your hand is literally stuck in a vending machine right now
Florida: I paid for those cheetos! We are Going To Get Them.

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California: we should play truth or dare!!
Washington: That sounds like a good idea
Nevada: Alright, truth or dare?
California: Dare!!
Nevada: I dare you to go home

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Alaska: What are the rules of Monopoly?
New York: If the game lasts over 4 hours you get the legal right to kill the person who asked to play

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[the group at the zoo]
Florida: What are they in for
Gov: I- No, Florida, this isn't a prison.
Louisiana: Oh, so they can leave~
Gov: well, no, but-
New York, pointing to the zebra: I bet that one's in for murder

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Florida, peeling a banana: May I take your jacket, sir?
California, genuinely disturbed: Do you think other people can't hear you?

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Florida: I am a simple man
Florida: I put my shoelaces through the holes of my crocs one at a time just like the next person
California: I think I just speedran the five stages of grief

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Gov: Yesterday I heard Louisiana ask "are you sure this is a good idea" and Florida answer "trust me"
Gov: never have I moved so fast from one room to another

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Hawaii: I've been told I'm too negative and hostile towards the states at the statehouse, so to all the lower forty-eight, I'm sorry if anything I've ever said or written ever offended you
Hawaii: I didn't think you could speak English

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Nevada: I've finally thought of a way for us to make money!
Colorado: I think you'd make a decent stripper
Nevada: I'd make an AMAZING stripper but that's not the point

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Florida: Hey Gov, guess what
Gov: What
Florida, pouting: no, you have to guess~
Gov: ??? I don't know??
Florida: California's in the hospital
Gov: WAIT WHAT HAPPENED
Gov: WHY WOULD YOU MAKE ME GUESS THAT???

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Gov: You had better have a good excuse for this
Florida: I actually have four. You can pick your favorite.

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Gov: hello England, how can I help you?
England: I'm looking for one of your states
Gov: Which one?
England: the one that committed a crime obviously
Gov, glancing back at Florida, Louisiana, California, New York, and Texas:
Gov: you're going to have to be more specific

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Florida: I've done a lot of dumb stuff.
California: I witnessed the dumb stuff.
Texas: I recorded the dumb stuff.
Louisiana: I joined you in the dumb stuff.
Gov: I tried to stop the dumb stuff you idiot!

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California: did you hear that? it sounded like... despair.
New York: it was probably me.
California: no, not bitterness, despair.

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Gov: GUYS, I THINK WE HAVE A PROBLEM!
Florida: What? The fire?
Gov: NO! THE- wait. What fire???
Louisiana: Oh, forget it. This sounds more interesting!

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Texas: You played me like a fiddle!
California: Actually fiddles are quite hard to play.
California: I played you like the cheap kazoo that you are.

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Rhode Island: Anyone over 5'6 doesn't deserve happiness.
Texas: I'm sorry what was that? I can't hear you all the way up here. Do you need a ladder? I can get you a ladder.

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Florida: Alright so you and I are married.
New York: We are not married.
Florida: Relax it's just pretend.
New York: I don't want to pretend.
Florida: Scared you'll like it?
New York: Okay, if we're married then I want a divorce.
Alaska: Are they like this all the time?
Gov: Yes.

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California: if Texas and I were drowning, who would you save?
New York: you two can't swim?
Texas: just answer the question York, who would you save?
New York: my time and effort

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Florida: Guys!! Molotov cocktails fix everything! One time I had a problem, and then I threw a molotov cocktail at it and then BOOM! I immediately had a different problem.
Louisiana: He makes a strong case

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Gov: For self defense reasons, I'm going to pretend to be a burglar and you guys have to act wisely.
New York, California, and Florida: Okay.
Gov: If you don't want to die, give me all your money.
California: Bold of you to assume I have money.
New York: Bold of you to assume I don't want to die.
Florida: Bold of you to assume I can die.

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Louisiana: I trust Florida
Gov: You think he knows what he's doing?
Louisiana:
Louisiana: I wouldn't go that far.

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Gov: Do you see the problem here?
Florida: yes, but I'm going to ignore it.

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Florida: What time is it?
Louisiana: I don't know; pass me that saxophone and we'll find out
Louisiana: Plays sax loudly
New York: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE AT TWO IN THE MORNING
Louisiana: It's 2 am

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Florida: Everytime I hear someone talking about updog, I'm torn between not wanting to fall for it and wanting to help them complete their joke.
Gov: Okay, but what is updog?
Ohio: Updog is a long sausage in a bun, often served with ketchup, mustard, onions, and/or relish.
New York: Not, that's a hot dog. An updog is when a new version or patch of an application is released.
Washington: No, that's an update. You're thinking of the fourth largest city in Sweden.
Texas: Surely, that's Uppsala, where's updog is the giant spider in Harry Potter.
California: That's Aragog. Updog is a symbol conventionally used for an arbitrarily small number in analysis proofs.
Massachusetts: You're thinking of epsilon. Updog is an upward-moving air current.
Louisiana: No, that's an updraft. An updog is the modern version of a henway.
Gov: What's a henway??
Florida: Oh, about five pounds.