𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐲 𝐰𝐚𝐲

ix. i missed you.

     

     JAMES IS a bit confused by this. "What I said to you?" He asked, a little taken back and Steve just fiddled with his hands. "That night, um, back when I tried to get you to see someone to deal with how you were feeling?" He asked and James just glanced down.

"I--I don't, sorry." He whispers and Steve just glanced up, staring at James. "You said you wanted to... die." He whispers and James just kept his gaze on the coffee table. "And when I asked you what about me, about how I'd feel... you said you didn't care." Steve says and James looks up in an instant.

"Why are you bringing this up? That was a long time ago and I was drunk." He said, his nostrils flared and his eyes flickered a bit, almost as if to stop himself from crying. "It wasn't so long ago... do you still feel like that?" Steve asked, worry plagued his mind ever since he heard James say that and James covers his face. "No. Stop. Don't talk about it." He says, sounding upset or angry. Perhaps both.

"James, please, just--" "I don't want to talk about it." James says quietly, angrily through gritted teeth while turning his head away and Steve sighed. "I'm only asking because I care about you... and I want to know if you're still having a hard time because I shouldn't have left." He said and James glanced at him.

"Yeah. You shouldn't have." He whispered then got up, grabbing his jacket. "Watch Max, I'm gonna go smoke..." Steve was about to object, to say something but stopped and stared at James walking towards the side door. Outside, the Hopper didn't even smoke, he just slid down to sit and let out a small sob.

He can't believe it. He couldn't. The one person he was trying his best not to become, he became anyway. He became his dad. He loves the change his dad had made before his death or whatever, but before that, before everything, before James' monster hunting... he was a drunk. Popped pills sometimes too.

Though he'd never hit James, but his words would still hurt as much as punches. He once said he wished James was never born. He once said James reminded him of Diane, and told him to get out of his face. He once said James should've been the one to go, not Sara. It all stung, but when James brought it up to his sober father, the man had been confused and asked what he was talking about. The lesson he learned that day was that sometimes you can't take the words of a drunk person, especially that someone is blacked out, to heart. But the words still stung.

Being told something at such a young age and the person telling you forgot easily was terrible. It was partially the reason why James had a terrible relationship with his father before El. He can't believe he's done the same to the one person he's ever loved truly in a romantic sense, rubbing his eyes before he finally lights a smoke. He doesn't want to be that for Steve, a bad memory with a bad drunk.

He doesn't blame him for leaving. It's painful, a loved one being a drunk, a loved one who's also hurting the way you're hurting, that they say those things because they're black out drunk, not because they mean it. Alcohol might be the worse thing invented by mankind, this is the conclusion James comes to before he finally headed back inside.

"Hey," he sits down carefully by where Steve is. "Hey." Steve whispers back, glancing at him and James just fiddles with his lighter, looking around at anything but his ex-boyfriend. "I'm sorry." He looks up at Steve. "That's okay. You've been through a lot." He whispers back and James just shook his head. "Still, it's not an excuse for the way I acted." He glanced down and Steve just stared at his side profile.

"There's no excuse for the way I acted too... I constantly nagged you everyday about opening up, especially therapy, I must've been really annoying." Steve glanced away, chuckling and James glanced up. "Not at all... you were helping and it was the thought that counts, right?" He says and Steve looks at him right away. "Plus, you kind of snapped me out of it, when you left, because then I was alone, I--I sort of got sober last month, once I got into D&D, then I decided to come visit." He says.