thirteen

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None of us say anything for a while and I close my eyes for a few seconds, breathe in deeply, trying to stop my erratic heartbeat, my shaking hands.

But mines not the only one thats beating way too fast, when I listen more closely to Levis and Adrians heartbeat, which reassures me just a little bit. That's a sign that they care, right?

"I... I always knew," I tell them, after finding the courage to speak. I feel their gazes on my face, but I don't turn to look at either of them.

"I knew that you were my soulmates the moment I laid my eyes on you," I whisper, a small, nostalgic but sad smile forming on my face when I remember that day.

It was my second week being in their pack since I managed to escaped from the rogues that captured me and... my mom. I was eight back then, afraid to talk to anyone, and really just preferred to be on my own, in the woods.

Well, that day I thought I was alone but wasn't and didn't realize it until Adrians wolf literally scared the living shit out of me. Even if he was still a small wolf, he was already scary back then. Basically, his wolf was just trying to play with me when he came jumping from the woods out of nowhere and when I tried to run, I stumbled over a branch, hurt myself enough so that I couldn't walk back on my own, and Adrian and Levi had to carry me back to the pack. Levi was scolding Adrian so much and Adrian in turn looked like a hurt little puppy... I think it was the first time I've laughed in months, maybe even years.

I felt so comfortable around them the moment they first laid eyes on me, even my wolf who hated any sort of human or well, werewolf contact, started coming out more, and from that day on I was basically attached to their hip.

Adrians mother always joked about me being their shadow. Which sounds stupid and ridiculous but nonetheless made me feel special as a kid.

"I was just... so happy to be able to call you both my best friends. You were everything to me. I mean, which eight year old wouldn't want to be friends with the Alpha and Beta kid?" I laugh a little, but it's not really a happy laugh.

I don't even want to start talking about how they are the only reason I really... I really wanted to be in this world.

My Uncle started hitting me when I was ten. The only thing that kept me going was them. The one thing that still made me happy.

"The year Adrian turned fourteen I kinda... I somehow knew that things were gonna change. I just didn't think that they would change so... drastically," I stop for a few moments, not sure where I'm going with this.

"I didn't think that I'd be all on my own by the end of the year," I whisper the only thing that comes to my mind and almost as soon as I said the words I regret them because it sounds way too dramatic.

"It kinda hurt a lot," I try to justify stupidly, rubbing my arm uncomfortably.

By the time they turned thirteen they were starting to get trained by the Alpha Cedric and Beta Luis, so they could take their spot one day. That also meant having less time for friends or even family, less time for normal stuff children their age did, less time for... me.

It was a slow process but ultimately we just kinda stopped talking. I was alone, felt empty and abandoned but at the same time the issues with my wolf started coming up, him being so angry and aggressive all the time and me still being too weak to handle it on my own.

And with my Uncle hitting me it... all became too much.

Of course, I don't say any of that. Instead, I just let the words sink in, not really sure how to continue or if I even want to continue.

For a long time, no one says anything, but it's Levi who breaks the silence with a shuddering breath and when I turn to look at him I feel my heart sink to my stomach.

"Why are you crying?" I whisper, almost holding out a hand to touch him, wipe away his tears.

He shakes his head, but the tears keep falling and I feel really really helpless, turn to Adrian for some help, but he's just staring out in the wide with a thoughtful look on his face.

Thoughtful seems like the wrong word tho, more like... haunted.

"Levi," I murmur, urging him to look at me and when he does, I feel my already cracked heart, break just a little bit more.

"Stop crying," I command, still in a small voice, because I don't want to see him cry. I hate seeing him cry. It physically hurts.

His lip is quivering and this time I let my hand find its way to his face, cupping his cheek, catching one of his tears.

How would he react when I told him about my uncle if that's how he's reacting to this?

"I'm... so, so sorry, Rafael. We just-"

"-we completely abandoned you," Adrian finishes, but he's not done. It's as if he just now found his voice again because there's so much coming out of his mouth I can't even keep up anymore at some point.

"I thought about this a lot, when... when I heard the news of you coming back to the pack because before that I didn't- didn't even allow myself to think about you. I banned you from my mind. But then when I thought back to all the years before the incident I couldn't find one single moment where you acted out like that before, expect, like, three years after we saved you from the rogues and there was a rogue attack and they attacked us in the forest and you just... lost it. You were ten years old and killed a feral wolf, a rogue, all on your own. And then I realized that there was probably a reason that made your wolf snap like that, made him almost kill your Uncle... and then I thought of a reason and I couldn't come up with anything but... but-"

"-us abandoning you," Levi finishes for him when Adrian doesn't find the right words anymore and I almost start laughing right then and there.

They're now blaming themselves for what I did to my Uncle? What I did to my uncle because he was abusing me.

I don't realize I'm actually laughing when Adrian calls out my name.

"Fuck, sorry," I wheeze, letting out a few more laughs, "sorry, it's just... fuck."

I sober up when I look at Adrian, a dull ache suddenly appearing in my chest, "Sorry."

"Just stop crying," I tell Levi, "stop it." I take his face in my hands, and wipe away the tears with the sweatshirt I'm wearing, completely ignoring the way my hands start to tingle.

"What if I tell you there's no reason that my wolf snapped like that? That it just happened?" I ask afterward, staring out into the forest, then sigh loudly.

"Of course, I felt abandoned. Of course, I was heartbroken when you... when you left me. Of course I did, but that's not the reason. There is no reason."

For fuck's sake, why am I always ending up in situations like this?

"But is that like... all that fucking matters now?" I exclaim, suddenly feeling this surge of anger going through my body and I know it's also my wolf that's feeling this.

"Is that all there is to me? To me and my existence? This one fucking mistake I made? Does everything just come back to that? All the years prior to that didn't matter and you abandoning me is just some unfortunate trigger or some shit and not you just being fucking assholes?"

This... isn't the direction I thought this was going, but after saying these words out loud it kinda feels like a weight is being lifted off my shoulders.

"Fuck, that felt good to say," I whisper and look at them, now kinda really lost and disoriented because all these words spoken and emotions felt today are... a lot and suddenly I find myself laughing again, this time softly and soon, Levi and Adrian join me and it feels...

...better than I fucking expected it too. Laughing with them again. Telling them most things that I bottled up for so long. Just talk to them in general... it feels way too fucking good.

I'm so whipped. Stupid mate-bond. 





I don't really like this chapter but I kept you waiting long enough

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