Troubled

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I put it all there
The things
I would never dare
to ever share
I keep it all hidden
It's where it all goes
when I'm scared

They wouldn't understand
I reassure myself
as I bury it
I'll just keep it to myself
no need to worry anybody else
by sharing it

Now it lingers there
growing beyond compare
The silence
would be deafening
If fear hadn't taken up
residence without
any hesitance

I've grown quite fond
Of the secrets
it holds
and nobody can judge me
since nobody knows

My lips remain sealed
and my troubled thoughts
are my own
So no need to pry
I'll only tell you to
leave me alone

It leads to depression
I'm very well aware
I'd rather not deal with it
I'm quite used to despair

I could tell someone
But I've decided
to battle this alone
Don't worry
I'm alright
I've become a soldier
on my own

I've grown used to
how this feels
when I encapsulate
To tell you the truth
I'd much rather
bottle it up
And let it marinate

What's the use
in asking for help
People are always
quick to judge
So they can all
just stay away
I'll live peacefully
in my own hell

They just wouldn't
understand
and probably make me
worse than I already am

It's hard to see a light
at the end
of this dark tunnel
I'm in survival mode
at the moment
and somehow
my internal flashlight
is still broken

Then one day
I woke up feeling
absent of disillusion
It was strange
I had had a vivid dream
while I slept
and my perception
of the whole world
had suddenly changed

I dreamed
I was all alone
in a room
full of mirrors
and as I looked
for an exit
I noticed they all
were connected

Each mirror
seemed to show
a troubled reflection
After that
I was too scared
to look
into the next one
Brutal memories
were all lined up
for a parade
of retrospection

Ater many hours
of playing
this game
I wasn't prepared to play
I realized
that if I
just took a look
and dealt with the pain
the mirror
with all the bad memories
would slowly drift away

Mentally exhausted
I finally stood
before the last mirror
and for the first time
in many years
my thoughts
couldn't have been
any clearer

I felt different
I felt stronger
The room I was in
became bright
and inviting
The darkness inside of me
was no longer painful
and frightening

Each mirror
had forced me
to come face to face
with my own demons
To find clarity
I had to focus
my internal energy
with intensity
if I desired
my freedom

It taught me
a great lesson
about my own
mental health
It gave me
the confidence
I needed
to walk out
of that cell

Now
I'm no longer hiding
But I'm still fighting
I'm concentrating
on me now
and doing this thing
called living life
and not just surviving

All Rights Reserved
©️ Bobbie J Lowrey 2022

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