58 | hopeless

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I can't sleep

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I can't sleep.

The clock on my bedroom wall shows that it's midnight. I've been trying to sleep for the past hour but failed.

I grab my pillow and cover my head with it to the point that it suffocates me. I squeeze my eyes shut, but fuck, I can't stop thinking about Nevaeh.

What happened with her inside my art room yesterday was beyond my control, and it makes my heart so chaotic that I feel like I'm going crazy.

I can't believe that we did that. I can't believe that I did that to her.

Now, every time I see her, I feel like pulling her close to me. It's like I have no control over my emotions anymore. I can't even hide my feelings anymore.

I feel so much joy and fear -- I don't even know which one to believe.

But now as I'm lying down here on my bed, when the night is getting too quiet, the fear is bigger. It's eating me out alive.

I need Nevaeh. I need her here with me.

Everything feels like a dream that can turn into a nightmare in a blink of an eye. I need her in my arms to ease this worry, to make my pain go away.

Please tell me that this isn't a part of my nightmare. Please tell me that you're real, that this happiness is not going away.

I sit up on my bed. My chest heaves up and down. This is insane. Even though I can feel again, I'm still very much a sick person. Maybe I really should go to Mr. Bennett again.

I take my phone from my nightstand. I don't know whether she's asleep or not, but I don't want to wake her up if she is.

I shouldn't just go to her room. A text won't do any harm, will it?

Me: Are you still awake?

The answer doesn't come, and I sigh. I rake my fingers through my hair.

What am I doing?

I'm acting like a kid. Goddammit, just take a fucking sleeping pill.

My phone beeps, startling me.

Nevaeh: Yes I am.

Me: What are you doing?

Nevaeh: I'm reading a book.

Nevaeh: You?

I stare at my phone screen. I don't know how to answer her.

I'm thinking about you. 

My lack of answers makes Nevaeh type something. Her next words pop up.

Nevaeh: Can't sleep?

Another sigh leaves my lips. Nevaeh already knows.

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