My brother's best friend

Chapter eight

After Catharina and Anina comforted me for a while I calmed down and insisted on going home. "My dear, I am so sorry." Catharina kissed my forehead, and I am positive there's a red lipstick stain there now. But that was the least of my worries. I quickly send a text to Daniel asking him for a ride home.

"Listen, my dear, I know you are going through a rough patch, but, I was still wondering if you would help me out. I know dancing has been your escape in the past. It might be good for you to get out." I nod at her words. It is true, I have used dancing to clear my head whenever I was in a bad mood or needed to clear my mind. "I'll think about it." Catharina smiles, "Very good."

I decided to wait outside. Sitting with Anina and her mother while they processed the information was too painful. Reliving what I've been feeling for the past couple of weeks (or was it months?) is too much.

Daniel finally stopped in front of me. Relief washes over me as I climb into his car. He sends me a smile before he starts to drive.

"How was it?" He asks after a few seconds. I shrug, "I guess it was fine until I had to tell them what happened to mom and dad." I feel a lump in my throat and I silently curse myself for not sounding as casual as I hoped. "What?" Daniel asks, facing me.

"Keep your eyes on the road, Daniel!" I yell. He quickly looks at the road again. My heart pounds in my ears and I wonder if something similar was happening when my parents were in the crash. Were they arguing about me? Did dad take his eyes off the road one second too long? Just to look mom in the eye to tell her she was wrong? Were they just talking? Dad just wanted to tell mom he loved her and gave her a loving glance? Then, crash.

"Sorry." I hear him mumble. I don't respond. A hundred different scenarios running through my mind. A hundred more questions filling my mind, almost to the point of numbing it. I close my eyes and open my mouth to speak. My voice sounds much smaller than I wanted it to. I sound like a little lost girl, looking for her parents when the words finally leave my lips. "Why were my parents on the road that night?" I guess in a way I am a little girl looking for her parents.

Daniel doesn't answer. My stomach lurches and I feel sick. I feel dizzy and sick to my stomach and shaky. A small voice was blaming me. Telling me it was my fault they were on the road. Yelling at me that I caused the accident. I try to push it away, waiting for Daniel to say the small voice is wrong.

I open my eyes, the image of Daniel blurry, "Daniel, tell me." He bites his lip, focusing on the road his brow set in a frown like he's thinking very hard. "Please." I hear someone say. It must have been me. Daniel's eyes flash my way for a second before he's looking at the road again. I realize that I sounded much like the little girl who begged her brother and his best friend to give back her dolls. The girl who pleaded not to be teased and who asked them not to pull her pigtails. It felt so far away but yet, I was her once again.

The car comes to a stop and Daniel turns to face me. "Linds, you just got better, please don't go down the rabbit hole again." His eyes are pleading, begging me not to pursue this line of questioning. "Daniel, I deserve to know." My voice comes out more self-confident than I thought it would.

He reaches out and cups my cheek in his hand. I try to resist the touch, but end up slightly leaning into the feeling. "You are so close to being yourself again, don't let this spoil it for you." His voice was soft but firm. "I need you to come back to me." His voice cracks and I wish I could back off, but I can't.

"It was me, wasn't it?" I ask, still letting his fingers linger on my cheek, sending sparks through my skin. He pulls away and grabs the steering wheel, "I asked you to stop, Linds." He grumbles. "It was me, Daniel, they chased after me." I insist. "Stop it, Lindsey." Daniel barks before getting out of the car, slamming the door to make sure I know he's pissed.

I get out of the car and yell at him, "It was me! They came for me! They died because of me. They died because I was a horrible daughter." I almost choke on the last words. My eyes burn and my heart is filled with a newfound pain. More guilt fills me than I knew could.

Daniel turns around violently, "Yes, they went to speak to you. They wanted to make things right. They didn't want to lose the only daughter they had. So, yes, they went to your dorm Lindsey." His eyes are dark with anger and his words feel like knives being repeatedly jabbed into my heart.

"Are you happy now? Knowing they drove out to see you after you left? Do you feel better knowing why they were on the road?" His eyes are set in a glare. "Or do you feel worse? Do you feel like shit for leaving them like you did? Do you feel empty and hollow inside, all the feelings of the last month returning except they are more than ten times worse?" I bite my lip to keep from crying, but my cheek was already sticky and wet.

"That's what I thought." He turns away from me and starts heading to his house. For a moment I can't find my voice. I want to scream. I want to cry and most of all I want the earth to open up and swallow me.

"I deserved to know!" I am surprised at how loud and harsh it came out. Daniel stops in his tracks but doesn't face me. "I deserved to know. You had no right to keep that from me." Daniel turns around slowly, all the anger seemed to have left his body.

Images of Mother being calm after I failed my first test flashes in my mind. That was the worst kind of anger. I remember wishing she would yell and scream. But it never came, just a pained and disappointed look stayed on her face as she signed next to the red F on my paper.

A similar look is on Daniel's face at the moment. "I kept you from falling into the rabbit hole with no escape. I kept you safe. We decided it was best you didn't know." "So you'd rather have me falling all over again?" I challenge. He shakes his head, "We were keeping you safe. It was the best thing for you." "That was not your call to make." I wanted to scream, not because of the guilt and pain lodged in my heart, but because of the anger, I felt towards Daniel.

"Well, I made a decision. And do you know what, Lindsey? I would do it all over again in a heartbeat." With that, he turns away and disappears for good this time. I'm left standing on the sidewalk, alone with new pain and guilt. New tears staining my cheeks. A newfound numbness.

The darkness closes in and my eyes blur the image of the road in front of me. And before the dark clouds everything, I remember wondering if this was the rabbit hole Daniel was talking about. An endless black pit of pain, guilt, anger and grief.