drowning

14

"It's all gone." Ashton spoke for me after I had put all of the sheets and other materials that could be washed, in the washing machine.

I glanced over Eve's room slowly.

The pink walls, the princess decorations, the dolls, the Barbie houses.

"She was a baby." I spoke, not exactly intending to say it out loud, but not caring that it came out either.

Ashton and I ended up sitting on the floor, him talking out every emotion I felt with me.

"Ash?" I spoke slowly.

"Hm?" He hummed out.

"Why don't I cry?" I asked him.

His eyes never left me.

"I mean- I have moments where I probably could, but I never actually cry. I can't cry." I told him.

"It's your bodies way of grieving." He spoke slowly.

"Some people cry, some people get angry, some people use substances and some just shut the world out, everyone has their own way of coping with things. You can't compare your way to the shit you see on tv or anyone else's." He told me, making me nod.

We sat in silence for a few minutes.

"Do you feel what I feel?" I asked him slowly, praying that maybe, he'd agree with what I was feeling.

"What do you feel?" He asked me.

"This house-" I cleared my throat, looking around at the walls that were once filled with happiness and consistent laughter.

"It's dark." I mumbled.

"It's dark?" He asked me slowly.

"I probably sound crazy-" "elaborate, you don't sound crazy." He assured me.

"I don't really know how to explain it, it just doesn't feel like home anymore, it feels uneasy; dark." I tried my best to explain.

"You've been through some stuff in this house, Ava." He spoke quietly.

I looked to him

"I mean- you went through a partial grieving process of losing your mom, dad and little sister." He spoke carefully.

"And just yesterday you saw the worst thing that I could ever imagine a nineteen year old having to see." He spoke quietly.

"I'm mad at myself, because I'm actually questioning selling the house now, but when Jacob was asking me to do it because it reminded him of them, I told him no because we needed to save money-" my voice cracked as I spoke, making him scoot closer to me.

"Would he still be here if I had moved? If I had gotten us out of here?" For the first time, I felt tears coming into my eyes.

"Ava, the house is not the reason Jacob did what he did." Ashton told me firmly.

"He always told me not to leave him." I found my body crying, myself not even aware until I felt the tears gliding down my cheeks

"And then he just comes home one day and doesn't even try to talk to me- he just goes to my little sisters room, takes a shit load of pills and cuts his wrists- he just left me"

Ashton.

She was crying.

I sat as close to her as I could, holding her hands into my own.

"How is this fair? Why me?" She sobbed out to me.

"It's not fair, Ava." I told her calmly.

I watched her wipe her tears.

"I'm selling the house" she exhaled , glancing around the princess styled room.

"I'll help you." I volunteered.

"Can I ask you for something?" She asked me after maybe five minutes of myself just guiding her in breathing without speaking.

"Of course." I told her.

"Can i please have a hug"

She didn't have to say anything else.

I almost pulled her completely into my body, feeling her grip tighten around me, exhaling as I hugged her tightly.

And just like that, she was crying again.

I never let her go

I hugged her, rubbing her back and letting her cry

"Im here, I'm always going to be here." I assured her