Number One On The List

The dark shadows

The dark shadows were hiding the darkest parts of a person, of her. The only person who truly loved her was taken from her and she still hadn't found a way to get over it. Work didn't help with things either. The fear was VERY real. The overwhelming fear and sadness in her work was what drove her to self-harm again. She had gotten clean for awhile and it would be a habit but not half as bad as it was right now.

Her self-harm was the only reason she got up and went to work everyday. If she didn't, she would just quit and tried not to go back there for anything ever again out of shame. The constant agony inside was the other silent killer. Her heart was freezing itself to death until it would eventually break from heartache. The heartbreak would be the one thing that would release her of this suffering. Or would it?

She and I both tried not feel much of anything because of how much easier it was to be a cold person but we had a warm side to us that overruled the cold one (which sucked at times). It was rougher on her to be her own happiness than it was for me I think. Didn't mean I wasn't close to her on it though. Her self-esteem was an issue at work even but it seemed to be rougher there than anywhere else. She sought out the approval of so many people that she was destroying herself to meet others needs instead of her own.

She walked into school the next day with her black hoodie on and facing the ground, as if ashamed. Something was definitely up with her today and I didn't want to go up to her and just start asking random shit because that would most likely drive her further away and that isn't what I needed right now.i needed her to just be okay no matter what is going on. I could see that she was quite ill and she still had to come in today but it didn't mean she had to be happy about it. I saw Shirley walk up to her and say something that I couldn't quite make out and then, I watched as they left together, holding hands. They were pretty chatty as of late and I wondered heavily on Why.

Wynrie came up to me and said," They went to go get it on. Ya know, eat each other's pussy. They've been having a fling thing going on for a bit now but wanted it kept under wraps. No drama for the two of them. They have this weird relationship where they can fuck around with each other and not have serious feelings for one another. Fucking strange. Rhaven's mind is so far away lately that she hasn't been sleeping much so her decision making is sort of off. Of course though, Ryder doesn't care if she fucks girls as long as he watched it so I'm sure he's already down there, waiting. Probably jerking his meat and watching away as they go down on each other. Bleh." It did bother me, but I tried not to let it show much.

The painting in the hallway of a woman in flames captured my eye and I couldn't help but think about what Wynrie just said. I knew Wynrie was telling me because of Rhaven's insecurities and wanting someone to try and get through to her. To show her she didn't need to be a whore to fit in with people, even if it was easy. She had confidence but it was rare when it showed. It made me feel like I wasn't doing enough to show her that she had a beautiful, gorgeous body and she had such a random mind that it was perfect enough for someone. For me.

I wanted to make her see what I saw in her, no matter the cost. I knew it wasn't going to happen however.