If I Stay✔️

46

trigger warning: mentions of sa/rape, mental illness, suicide, drugs, marco.

L E O

"Can I come in?"

Jack and I looked at the door, my body tensed as I took in Grey's expression. I really don't think I can handle another 'talk' today, or this week for that matter.

Jack turned to look at me, his eyes studying me. I hated how clearly he could see me, it was terrifying, it felt as though he could read my thoughts with just one glance. And I didn't like that, not one bit.

"Do you want him in here?" He asked me, his voice hushed.

I shrugged. It didn't matter what I wanted, Grey would just keep coming back.

Jack frowned, "if you don't want to talk to anyone, it's okay. They'll understand, it's been a long day."

It had been. I'd spoken so much that my throat felt dry and my mood felt dampened. It didn't matter how many times they all told me they loved me, or that they would never leave me. My mind would never allow me to fully believe them regardless.

I ignored Jack's words and looked at our elder brother, giving him a hesitant nod, to which he smiled and entered the room.

I wish Charlie was still here, that way I could've had someone else to focus on. Sadly, Alex and Ace had taken him home an hour ago.

Grey took a seat at my bedside, his movements slow, hesitant even. He rubbed his hands on the front of his jeans, another sign of nervousness or anxiousness. I didn't like it. I didn't like how both he and Lily seemed uneasy in my presence.

Did I scare him in the ways I scared Lily?

"I was hoping..." he trailed off, exhaling a short breath before staring at me, his gaze soft and apologetic. "I need to apologise to you, Leo." He didn't pause, or give me anytime to stop him from carrying on. I can't handle anymore heart to hearts. "You don't mind Jack being here whilst I do this, do you?" Again he didn't wait for my answer.

It doesn't matter what you want.

"Of course you don't." He answered for me, waving his hand to dismiss his own question. "I don't really know where to start with this." He exhaled again, his mouth opening and closing twice before he actually spoke. "I've done so wrong by you. I've put you at the bottom of the list in my priorities without even realising it."

Bottom of the list.

That hurt. I suppose, in many ways, I've always been at the bottom of everyone's list lately.

My skin felt like it was on fire as Grey's previous words and insults filtered through my mind. Not matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get them to stop, nor could I stop myself as I began to itch my left arm, my nails digging in harshly to my skin. I needed something, anything to take this myself away from this ache in my chest.

"You only care about yourself."

"Is that why you broke Lily's wrist?"

"You're so selfish."

"It's just... ever since Lily came back, I've felt this overwhelming need to protect her. After everything she's gone through, and you Jack." Grey glanced at our brother, a look of sadness in his eyes. "I just felt like she needed me more than you did, Le. I know I've been horrible to you. I've blamed you for things without even hearing your side and I've let you down so many times."