Ricky Noir
April 9th
8 Months Later
I'm standing in front of a mailbox by the side of the street. I'm soaked with rain, shielding the letter inside of my jacket. I'm staring at the slot in the middle of the mailbox and I'm ready to shove the letter in. However, somehow sending the letter feels harder to do then writing it.
Dear Razzle,
I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reach out to you. I know you must have questions and things that you'd probably like to scream at me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I did to you and everyone else but I just had to go, I had to leave. I've been in London for months now. It rains a lot here, Alice would've loved it. I've thought about going back to school but I'm still not sure about it, maybe I'm just scared. I work at a garage, just doing what I can to fix up cars. I don't know if you really care about any of this, who knows maybe you've already tore this letter up and thrown it in the trash.
I miss her, Razzle. I miss everything. I miss you, I miss the rest of the guys. I miss Vegas and everything inside of it, but I can't live there. I can't live in the same place that she lived in, died in, was buried in. I think about her always and I'll never stop. She's the love of my life. I want to see her, I want to touch her, I want to talk to her, I want to hear her. I'm tired of just imagining her, it's not enough. I need help. I feel useless and I don't know what to do. I feel guilty and sick, deranged almost. How did you come back from this, have you? I'm at a loss, Razzle. A real fucking loss.
I hope everyone is doing well, Theo and Nico, Mandy too. I heard about Trent on the news awhile back, I'm glad Angie got to him. I want to visit, to see everyone, to visit Alice. I'm just not ready yet, not even close but I will be someday.
I keep dreaming about her, it's constant. I need her so much and I think you're the only other person who understands that. I miss being able to tell her how much I love her, to show her. I wanted to marry her, I was going to marry her, I was going to give her everything. I was going to have a family with her, which devastates me to tell you that Alice was pregnant that night. I didn't know until after she died and I'm sorry I never said a word about it. I didn't know how to handle it in my own head never mind talk about it. It fucked me up for a long time, it still does I guess. I should've never let her get in her car that night, she would've been with me, we would've been happy, we would've been starting a family.
I'm sorry. You lost her too. She fucking adored you. You were her #1, she needed you the most out of everyone. You are irreplaceable and not just for her but for me too. You're probably confused and well, I don't blame you, you and I didn't have a particularly nice relationship. You held my accountable, put me in my place when I needed it the most. Razzle, you saved my life without either of us knowing.
I'm still here. I'm still around. I didn't think I would be. It's April 9th today, it's Alice's birthday, she would've been 23 today. This time last year I kissed her for the first time. I would've never imagined that this is where we'd end up a year later. I have no idea where I'll be next year. Maybe I'll be in Las Vegas and we'll all be together again. Or maybe I'll still be here, sending letter like I am right now. I miss you, Raz, and everyone that comes with you. I'll see you again.
Love, Ricky Noir
I seal the envelop and take a breath before pushing it through the slot. I feel relieved, like I needed to do that. I really hope I hear back from him, in any way. He's the person I hated to leave the most.
I get back into my car, I'm starting it and the radio comes on. The stations playing Mötley Crüe and they're playing "Home Sweet Home." I'm in disbelief and I just sit there and listen for a second. It felt like she did this, she played this. My cigarettes are in my pocket and I pull one out. I light one, "Happy Birthday, Ali." I'm smoking a cigarette, and I'll never share it with her again.
A/N
The end.
I could cry.
