DESIDERIUM

fourteen

Now laying in my bed again, reviewing the last few hours and just kinda now realizing that everything is gonna change from now on, I start feeling really, really down.

I still don't believe that they're accepting me as their mate. What would that even mean? I'm not a part of the pack anymore. I don't belong here anymore.

And I don't think that they'll just forget about what happened with my uncle just like that. Because even if kicking me out of the pack may have been the wrong thing to do, I still did something horrible. I'm not even sure I'm able to forgive them at all.

I wasn't that naive to think that the conversation today would just magically fix everything but I just hoped that... that I wouldn't feel so gloomy anymore. So alone.

What if they don't want me when they realize how damaged I really am?

Do I really even want them? I spent the last two years believing I was never gonna see them again and I... just didn't care anymore. About anything.

"Fuck," I whisper, covering my head with my hands, just wanting my thoughts to shut up for a few seconds.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up," I beg, hitting my head with my hands balled into fists repeatedly, pulling at my hair.

Then I there's the startling realization that those exact hands were so gentle with Levi only a few hours ago when wiping his tears away and I just want to fucking scream, because why can't they be gentle with me? Why can't I be gentle with myself?

"Rafael?"

I don't even register my name being called, only when warm hands grab mine and pull them away from my hair softly I realize that Adrian and Levi entered my room.

Instead of saying or really doing anything I just look up at Levi, who's still holding my hands in his, at Adrian who's standing right beside him.

Our gazes locked, my hands still in Levi's and Adrian's gaze softer than it's been in a very long time, for a brief moment, I really thought I was going to break.

That I would finally allow myself to feel the pain that I've had bottled up for so so long, that the dam would break, let the water flow, but all I do is just sit there, gazing up at them with the words caught in my throat.

This intimacy to them after almost three years of not really even being able to look at them is so new, and even if it hurts to say, unfamiliar, I have to look away at some point.

"I'm sorry, I-" Levi tries to pull away when he realizes that he's still holding my hands but my body takes over for me before my mind can even register it and I'm suddenly pulling him impossibly closer, by his hands.

"I can't cry," I whisper hoarsely, clinging onto his hands, looking into his eyes, searching for something, anything really that can... save me from drowning. Drowning in my own sorrow.

"I can't fucking cry even if it hurts so bad," I emphasize, because fuck, I just want to let it all out, my chest feels like it's gonna explode. Even if I know that that's impossible, it just feels so impossibly tight.

"That's alright, it's alright," he whispers after a few seconds of not reacting at all, pulling my one hand to his lips, my lips parting in anticipation and when he kisses my knuckles ever so softly, I can feel my heart breaking just a little more.

And when Adrian kneels down next to him and takes my other hand in his, hesitantly so but he does still, the only word that comes to my mind is whole. I feel so whole.

While Levi's lips are softer than Adrians', both of their kisses make me shudder.

"I can't just... just forgive you like that," I whisper, shutting my eyes tightly, trying to escape from their gazes and their touch because this is such a mess.

I'm a mess.

How can their affection still feel so good after they hurt me so much?

"That's fine," Adrian murmurs into my hair, "we'll work on it. Together. I-it's gonna be fine."

I think he's trying to convince himself, not just me.

"You hurt me so much," my voice is hoarse and my head feels fuzzy but my heart feels so full and my skin so tingly.

"We did. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," hearing him say those words was something I only ever thought would happen in my dream.

Levi simply puts his forehead to my head, and I know he's trying to hide his tears. I know that he's sorry.

"I just want to sleep," I confess, but don't take my hands from their grasp, rather hold on to them, holding on to something. Because there hasn't been anything for a long time.

They don't say anything and I swallow harshly, the plea for them to stay laying at the tip of my tongue.

I don't think I want to be alone tonight. I've been alone for so many nights.

Then I just sigh, let my hands slip from their grasp, too much of a coward to ask them to stay and climb into the bed under the grey bedsheets without looking at them anymore, because I don't really want to watch them go. Not again.

What I don't expect is to feel the bed sink beside me, from both sides, their warm bodies radiating heat, them making themselves comfortable next to me.

"Sleep," Adrian commands softly, his hand almost touching mine. I would just have to move my pinky a little and I would be touching his hand a second time today.

My heart is beating loudly in my ears. I'm afraid it's going to start to beat out of my chest. It doesn't, of course.

"Y-you're sure you want to stay?" I ask, not really believing anything that happened in the last 24 hours anymore, insecurities nagging at my brain.

"Positive," Levi whispers, curling up on the bed beside me, closing his eyes and something at the sight makes my heart stumble a bit.

I lock eyes with Adrian again, just to make sure and something about his gaze, about his still familiar dark eyes, gives me the confirmation I need, and I close my eyes.

I don't react when Adrian's fingers find mine and tangle up in each other.

basically just some fluff,
I'll try update every friday from now on