In The Back Of My Mind

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Ethan has a feeling the moment that his dark hazel eyes flicker open that it's an off day. The growing pit of despair within his gut is laced with exhaustion. His entire being is laced with weariness. Limbs feeling weighted with concrete. The feeling itself won't spare him nor will it give him a moment's relief. On days like this it never does- never eases up. Ethan always is clutched within its grip too helpless to rid himself of it. It's a vile creature depression that is. It's a deep-rooted exhaustion that isn't cured by the simplicity of a good night's sleep. The tiredness that he feels has Ethan groaning as his alarm continuously chirps at him.

The alarm beeps incessantly at him daring him to get out of the comfort of his bed. It's entirely shrill and demanding and Ethan groans at it flopping a pillow hastily over his ears. Hoping that maybe just maybe he can drown the noise out.

Newsflash it doesn't exactly seem to work. Ethan stills for a moment preparing himself before finally peering a single hazel-colored eye from beneath the pillow. Squinting as he's assaulted by the harsh rays of the sun filtering through the light curtains. It's beautiful out and Ethan wishes that he was allowed to enjoy it. Wishes the feeling in his chest didn't rival that of the sunlight. But it does and over time he's grown to see that.

Mark's expecting him today Ethan thinks to himself for a collaboration. And while Mark's never been particularly strict and is usually pretty lenient on what time he arrives Ethan also doesn't want to keep Mark waiting. Besides he doesn't have it in himself to be late not when Ethan knows Mark would call him as the elder always does when he's late. And Ethan's not so sure that he has it in himself to shrug off Mark's concern once again. Thinks that with the mood he's in that the second anyone shows the slightest concern he might just break.

Admist Ethan's static of thoughts the alarm blares once more.

''Fine - fine I'm up,'' Ethan grumbles to himself. Tossing the pillow aside in favor of shutting off the blasted alarm clock.

And okay maybe Ethan preferred the steady thrum of the clock rather than the silence and deafening roar of his thoughts.

Reluctantly heaving himself away from his bed Ethan heads towards his dresser. Picking out a few articles of clothing to quickly throw on. If anything he's thankful for the fact that he'd showered the night prior because if Ethan's being completely honest he just doesn't have it within himself today. The toll that his mental state has on his body even has him feeling physically ill.
Sparing a glance at his phone Ethan hurriedly finishes the rest of his routine having seen how little time he has to get to Marks.


The drive to Mark's house only increases the pit in his stomach. As well as the dwelling anxiety that lingers with it. Ethan doesn't normally do this when he's in the middle of a bout of depression. Usually, he hunkers down and attempts to stay away from anyone and everyone. Admittedly it's gotten to the point where he's gotten fairly anti-social during them.

Usually, Ethan's able to just pass it off with a simple excuse of being sick which normally serves as a good enough reason for him to be granted a bit of space. He's never felt like this before on a day he'd been scheduled to film with Mark. Had never graced Mark with the knowledge that he even suffered from depression.

So Ethan only hopes that he can do this and that he can make any enthusiasm seem believable if only for his viewers. Ethan hopes that he can pull this off and that Mark hopefully doesn't notice or comment on his off day. Ethan can only hope but it's just so unbelievably hard to put up a front. All of the time.

Ethan's just so exhausted.

Just wishes for the happiness that he desires. The happiness that always seems to tease him as it slips away from his grasp.

In The Back Of My Mind {Crankiplier}Where stories live. Discover now