Mistakes We Can't Laugh About (Loser #2)

Chapter 27

Chapter 27

I didn't know how I managed to go through the days like nothing had happened.

Every morning, I'd cry because his side of our bed was empty and his scent in the pillowcases was the only thing left for me to remember that he was once there.

Hindi ko man lang nasabing mahal ko rin siya. 

Hindi man lang ako nakapagpasalamat. Hindi man lang ako nakahingi ng tawad sa mga nagawa at nasabi ko sa kanya.

Ngayon lang siya napagod . . . pero sinukuan ko agad siya. Maybe he was right when he said I was selfish. He helped me through all my problems, but when he needed me most, I forced him to leave.

Pero ano ang gagawin ko? Hindi ko kayang ipilit sa sarili ko na ayos lang kahit pa may rason naman siya.

We needed this. Kahit masakit. I knew that some people would only come into our lives to either stay or teach us a lesson.

And Leon was the latter.

He entered my life and taught me how I should be loved . . . how I should be taken care of.

For years, he did nothing but endure my wrath. Kahit kalaban ang turing ko sa kanya, tiningnan niya ako nang may pagmamahal. Kahit nasisigawan ko siya, kahit kailan ay hindi niya ako napagsalitaan.

He treated me in a way I longed to be treated . . . at hindi ang isang pagkakamali niya ang magbubura ng magagandang nagawa niya para sa akin.

I should never hate him because that would mean I'd still keep him in my heart, and doing that would stop me from growing. Trying to hold onto our memories would make me stagnant.

He helped me heal my scars before, and now I have to learn how to treat the wounds he left me.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Mari, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for saying you were selfish. I'm sorry for invalidating your pain. I'm sorry for making you feel unseen and undervalued. I'm sorry for being so distracted that I didn't realize I was already treating you badly. I'm sorry for coming into your life only to leave.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: It's been a month. Nasa Pilipinas na ako. I'm in our treehouse while typing this. Nanay is sleeping and I just had a talk with her a while ago. Nasa bahay na kami. Bumili na lang kami ng oxygen tank kasi hirap pa rin siyang huminga. I'm sorry for having the guts to even send these chats to you now. I know you hate getting unnecessary messages.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: I realized how much of a jerk I was to you. I wish I could turn back time so I could make better choices. I wish I could turn back time and say things differently. Miss na miss na kita, Mari. I've loved you for years and I still do. You're not only the highlight of my college; you're the best part of my life.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Someday, the memories we shared will be nothing but a distant memory. I'm sorry I couldn't keep our promise to accomplish more things and stay together. Sa ngayon, wala akong ibang gugustuhin kung hindi ang maging masaya at malaya ka. This is too painful to ask you, but I hope you forget about me. I hope you meet a man who deserves you more than I do. Goodbye, Mendoza. Thank you for loving me.

Those were the messages that broke my heart even more. I miss everything about him, too. Sana hindi na lang kami tumanda. Sana hindi na lang bumigat ang mga responsibilidad namin. Sana hindi na lang kami pinaghiwalay.

I read them again and over, memorizing every word and punctuation, imagining how he must have looked as he typed them.

I'm glad I did because the following day, I found out that he had deactivated his account.