Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

6

Birthdays, Christmases, New Year's Eve parties, quiet nights at home, fun nights out with the guys. I have rediscovered it all by now. Some in ultra speed, some not.

We're in Doncaster. Louis is introducing me to his family members for the first time. They're so happy for us. Louis is beaming. Blushing adorably. God, I'm so in love with him.

His sister Lottie pulls me to the side. She looks emotional.
"I just want to say thank you. You're so good for him. He's more like his old self now and I know you have a big part in that. Treat him well. Love him like he deserves."

"I will." Sad. So, so sad. She will remember me but Louis and I won't remember each other or what we had.

Wait a minute! She will remember! I grab her arm. She looks confused.
"Lottie, promise me that you will remind him of that if he ever forgets about me. Please, Lottie. This is important. Tell him about me!"

"What are you talking about? Harry? You're not making any sense." Lottie says.

I don't have time to explain. This memory is gone and another one forms. We're back in our apartment. The boys are there.
"For God's sake Niall, how many times do I have to tell you? No one wants a painting of a crying baby in the bedroom. It's creepy. Stop hanging that up every time you come for a visit. We don't want it! I don't even know where you found it and keep finding it. We throw it away every fucking time!" Louis shouts.

I laugh. I love this Louis. He's funny and sassy and loud. The complete opposite of the shadow of a man I met on the train. I adore that version of him as well. He's still here too, when his insecurities get the best of him.

Niall grins wickedly.
"I know, that's why it's so funny. I might have found a stash online, very cheap. Keep throwing them away, they will always return!"

I watch Louis chase Niall around the apartment. I'm so happy. I have everything I want in life. A wonderful, beautiful boyfriend and amazing friends. Someday we'll start a family. Sadness wash over me. We won't have that. I'm not going to remember this, us. We won't have kids. We will live our life separately, totally oblivious of each other's existence. Why can't I wake up?

Ultra-speed. Memory after memory flashing before my closed eyes. I'm stuck in my head. Wake up!

We're running from the rain that took us by surprise. We're not dressed for it. Louis craved ice cream so we headed out to the closest gas station to get some. It's late. He pulls me inside a bus stop. He's breathing heavily.
"I need a break. I'm so out of form. Remind me to accompany you on your morning jogs from now on." He pants.

"Louis Tomlinson jogging?" I giggle.

I know this memory. It's special. It's one I want to re-live one last time. It's not one of those significant moments, it's just one where I'm truly happy.

He's wearing his red jumper. I get closer and pull him in. I kiss him. I try to put everything into that kiss. Maybe there will be a trace of it left in the back of his head somewhere? Right, he has already erased this memory. Maybe I'll save a piece of it somewhere then?

When we need to come up for air he gazes at me.
"I love you." I say. Soft. So soft.

He's so beautiful. The way he smiles happily when I utter those three words, like he can't believe he's so lucky.
"Yeah? I love you too."

He hugs me. Tucks his cold nose in the crook of my neck.
"Come one, let's get home before the ice cream melts." He laughs and lets go of me. I want to hug him forever. Sad. So, so sad.

I think my memories are out to destroy me. I know I won't remember anything of it when I wake up but now, at this moment, I want to cry so badly. I fucked up. I should have told Louis all about it instead of pretending that I was a Jehovah's witness. Make him listen. Get him to fall in love with me again. Reckless. Stupid. Too proud.

We're on the couch kissing.
"Lou?"

"Mhm?" He tries to kiss me again but I pull away.

I'm on top of him. I take in his features. I try to burn them into my brain so I will remember him.
"I'm in love with you."

I was so nervous telling him that. I didn't know how he would react. If he even would believe me. I'm not nervous now. I'm sad. So, so sad.

He sits up abruptly. I know it's coming but he almost knocks me to the floor anyhow.
"Please say something."

He looks so scared. Emotional.

"Do you really mean that? Please don't say things like that if you don't mean it. That would destroy me."

This is the reason I tried to shelter him. Protect him.

"Of course I mean it. Lou. Look at me. I'm in love with you. Really in love with you." I say emotionally.

He starts to cry. I hate that he thinks that he's unlovable. Unworthy of love. I pull him in. Hug him tightly. I still want to shelter him. Not like before. But this Louis in time needs it. Desperately. I don't try to change the memory. He needs to hear it, word for word.

"Don't cry. I'm sorry. Why are you crying? It's okay if you don't feel the same way. I can take it."

He sobs uncontrollably. Cling to me. I just hold him.

"I'm in love with you too. So in love, Harry." He manages to get out.

I press my hands against his cheeks and wipe away his tears. He should never cry. Not because someone loves him. I smile.
"Yeah? Why are you crying then?"

"I never thought...Harry! I could never hope...I didn't think you would ever fall in love with me." He whines. Sobs. Pouts.

I can't suppress my tears anymore. I had him and I fucked it up.

"Oh Lou, how could I not? You're amazing. I love everything about you."

He stares at me.
"Love?"

"I love you." I really do. I don't think I will ever love someone as much as I love him, but I won't even remember it.
"I love you."

He hugs me. So tight.

"I love you too."