𝑩𝒂𝒄𝒌 𝒂𝒈𝒂𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒍𝒍 //𝑺𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒚 𝑲𝒊𝒅𝒔 𝑭𝑭//

~𝟭𝟭~

It dawned on me later that day that none of the boys had asked about my breakdown the other night. And it bugged me. I wanted to know who had hugged me, but I didn't want to bring it up and have to answer their questions. Luckily, it was warm that day, so the boys wanted to swim, giving me the perfect opportunity. I just had to look for someone with bruises.

I got dressed into my swimsuit, a dark blue halter neck bikini. I looked at my reflection in the bathroom mirror as I pulled the top slightly more to the one side, making sure to hide my scar. The questions I would be asked were questions I wasn't ready to answer. I loosened my hair, the dark waves hanging over most of the scars on my back, the others being covered by the high waist of the bikini bottoms. Then I threw on an oversized T-shirt to cover up my swimsuit. 

I went outside, but as soon as I got to the pool, my insecurity took me over. The boys must have noticed, because not one of them made any comments on my appearance. I took the book I was reading and made myself comfortable on one of the chairs outside, not planning on swimming. But every time I got comfortable, I would feel a splash of water on my feet, the culprit gone before I could see who it was. I was still in my oversized T-shirt, so I tossed it off and sat down on the edge of the pool, feet dangling in the water to get used to the temperature.

As I sat there for a while, I noticed how the boys would look my way, but would just go on with whatever they were doing; not once making any attempt to look at the swimsuit. It set me at ease.

I eased into the cool water, goose bumps rising on my skin. I stayed near the same spot. The boys started playing with a ball, and for the first time I noticed their figures. The tan chests and strong muscles. I could feel my cheeks warming up, but I couldn't stop myself. I watched as the muscles moved under their skin so effortlessly; the water causing their fare complexions to glisten. I pulled myself out of my thoughts when I felt a splash of water on my cheek. I whipped my head in the direction the water came from, but the culprit was getting away. I had just enough time to grab the person's foot, effectively getting pulled under with them. When the person finally stopped, I let go of the limb I was holding and swam to the surface. I smoothed my wet hair back and made sure it still covered my scars. When I turned back around, I was met with a mop of dark brown hair emerging from the water followed by a smirk I knew all too well.

"Lee Know. I should have guessed it was you who splashed me."

"What are you going to do about it?" he asked, smirking.

I stayed silent and rolled my eyes at him, making him laugh. He pulled himself up out of the pool, sitting with his feet still in the water.

That's when I saw it, the bruises. Big and dark blue, some turning yellow around the edges. They were all over his chest and abdomen. A shard of guilt pierced my chest. Every single bruise a was reminder of what I did, and why. I dropped my head, too ashamed to look him in the eye. I sensed him slipping back into the water and coming toward me, but I couldn't talk to him. Not after how I hurt him. I knew it was stupid to feel that way, that I only did it to defend myself during my breakdown. But it still hurt, knowing the only people that still cared for me got hurt so badly because of the things I did. I pulled myself out of the pool and ran inside, not caring that the boys yelled after me, a trail of water droplets left behind me. I ran to my bathroom, slamming the door shut behind me. I sat in the shower so as to not get the floor wet. I leaned my head back against the tiled wall, tears brimming my eyes.

"You can't cry. This is your fault. Had you just kept it together. Had you just stopped him when you had the chance," I scolded myself. Most of me knew it wasn't true, that there was nothing I could have done. But the tiniest part of me still believed it was my fault. Everything that monster did to me was my fault.