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I can hardly feel anything

I can hardly feel anything

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Iris' Pov ☁︎

MARCH 22ND 1986

I woke up to the smell of bacon and the sound of the tv playing softly in the background. I got out of bed throwing on a sweater before heading out of my room. My moms bedroom door is open so I assume she's sitting in the kitchen. Gave her a wave and a small smile as I entered the room before sitting down in a chair. There was a plate with pancakes and bacon on it. I grabbed the syrup and put it across the pancakes before cutting them up. I wasn't really paying much attention to what the news station was saying, until I heard two words, girl found.

I turned around seeing my mom with her hand across her face as a body bag was being taken out of the woods. I quickly got up from the table heading over to the tv. As I got over there my mom rapped her arm around me, "I'm so sorry honey," she said keeping her gaze on the tv screen. I couldn't pull my eyes off from the screen, the lady on tv just kept talking about Serena's life with no emotion. How could she even do that? Just going through a girls life without even an once of sadness in her voice.

My eyes began to sting as I could feel the tears coming from my eyes. I removed my moms arm from around me as I walked off towards my room. As I entered I slammed my door behind me as I sat down on my bed. I opened the drawer beside my bed pulling out a shoe box and as I opened it there was photos of Serena, the both of us, things she had given me, notes we passed, and other small things. The tears never stopped, a feeling of guilt over took my body. Thousands of questions going through my head.


What if I hadn't listened to her and stayed?

What if we immediately went home?

What if we didn't go to homecoming?

I should've known something was wrong, right?


All I could think about how I had some part in this. It was my fucking fault that she was now gone. If I wouldn't have listened to her that night and made her come with me, she would still fucking be here. But I listened to her and it's now my fault that she's gone.

I ran my hand across the photos that I had taken of her on the summer trip, I couldn't help but try to relieve all the memories. I laid down on my side holding onto the bracelet she had made for me. I pulled the cover across my body as if I was holding on for dear life.

I let all of the tears I had left flow out of my eyes as my breathing started staggering, almost like I couldn't breathe. I didn't even notice the door had opened, all I could see was a figure walking over to me. They didn't say anything but as they sat down rapping their arms around me I could tell it was Willow.

"Your mom called me and told me what happened," she explained in a whispered voice as she ran her fingers through my hair. "I can't even imagine to think how you feel right now, but I do want you to know you can talk to me and I'll listen for however long you want to talk. Or even how little you want to talk, ok?" she told me in a comforting tone as I turned around to face her. All I did was nod my head before tucking it into her chest as she held me close to her.



——————



"Hey your mom cooked dinner," I could hear faintly as I opened my eyes seeing that it was already dark outside.

"What time is it?" I asked moving the hair from in front of my face.

"7:30," Willow replied looking down at her watch.

"Why did I sleep so long?" I asked her sitting up in my bed feeling the dried tears on my cheeks.

"Well when I came in you laid super close to me and ended up falling asleep and neither me or your mom wanted to bother you so yeah," she explained playing with the rubber band on her wrist.

I just slowly nodded my head, "Oh ok. I'll be out in a second," I replied before she closed the door and I got out of bed. I looked at myself in the mirror, my hair was all messy and my eyes looked tired as well as the color of my skin looking paler than it had ever in my entire life. I walked out of my room and into the bathroom running the water before putting my hands into it and rubbing it down my face.

I turned the water off before walking into the kitchen like I had down earlier this morning, only hoping to not relieve that feeling in the exact moment. As I looked at the plates I realized it was gorditas, which is my favorite food. I guess my moms just trying to make me happy, or distract me from everything. I sat down in my chair and my mom tried giving me a small smile before starting prayer, but I could still see the hurt across her face.

After Serena and I became close over the few weeks in summer while visiting Florida we became inseparable. She would always come over to my house and luckily my mom and her got along amazingly. Serena would even sometimes do my moms makeup while I did her hair for date night. So I have to think about how this doesn't only affect me, but her as well and I can't be so down about it, cause then she will be too.

The table was silent for the first time in years. We all just sat there with no words to even say. Just the sound of the ac blowing and someone taking a bite of their food every now and then.

"You guys can talk you know? I'm not going to like explode or anything," I told them picking at my food. Neither of them said anything and just nodded their heads, "If we're just gonna be quiet I'm gonna eat in my room," I told them before getting up and taking my plate to my room.

"Iris wait!" I heard Willow yell, but I was already down the hallway.

"What?" I questioned turning around in the hallway with her behind me.

"We just want to be there for you."

"I get that, ok? I really fucking do, but this just happened! And I need to deal with it without everyone around me acting like I'm a ticking time bomb or some shit! It makes things so much fucking worse cause there's going to be enough change in my life already happening I don't need some of the only people I have left acting like strangers towards me ok!" I told her with my voice cracking every now and then trying to hold tears back. "So if you could please excuse me I'm going to my room," I told her as I turned around, but she grabbed my wrist.

"You know I can help you through whatever you're feeling right?" she told me and I glanced down at the tattooed numbers on our wrists.

"I know, but I don't think it'll come that far," she replied before jerking my hand away and entering my room.





















a/n:
this is a pretty shitty chapter and im so sorry i've literally just been so busy

and my anxiety has been through the roof like it's been BAD BAD so yk

but aside from that i hope y'all are all doing good <3

- a

soft, robin buckley Where stories live. Discover now