entry #19
she felt like throwing up, the uncontrollable feeling of impending doom. she really didn't know if she could go to school today, nor go anywhere. she basically cried her entire body weight in tears that night and it really was getting to her. she was never suppose to let herself cry herself to sleep. but god damn was it hard when everything slowly came crashing onto you.
it only made her more sad when she woke up, that lingering feeling that'll never. never. go away. she couldn't even begin to find herself wanting to wake up. she felt so hollow, like the empty stomach feeling when you're full. she couldn't find the words to explain it properly, but you know that feeling. because the first time you feel it, you never forget it. you'll never forget it essentially.
it's such a painful stomach aching feeling that makes it harder for her to continue. "toki.. you have to get to school." hearing the voice of her dad outside her room. she couldn't even sputter out words. her throat was dry and she felt unwell. that throwing up feeling that made her feel terrible.
"can i please take just this day off? i feel so sick to the stomach and i feel like-" before she could consider finishing her sentence, she held a hand up to her mouth. coughing and choking to keep the feeling of her wanting to throw up away. no way would she let herself throw up. hearing the door open and her dad rush to her side. she sobbed, throwing her arms around him and hugging him as she sobbed.
she felt too ill to continue. she felt like a bag of rocks. what use would you get from a bag of rocks except throwing it around so willingly. this was the tipping point to all her misery. everything felt like hell from this point on. could she even face na jaemin this week? this month? for the rest of the school year?
"oh toki.. is there anything you need." clinging onto her dad's shirt, she looked up at him teary scared eyes. "please don't let na jaemin near me."
the feelings i felt during all of that. my phone was blowing up profusely that day. my mental health was so ruined, all i could do was replay the moment i learned it was all some stupid lie.
i tried to convince myself it was na jaemin's fault. that na jaemin was the bastard. that na jaemin made me sick to the stomach. i loved na jaemin. pretending it didn't hurt me each time. it felt like a lie that went too deep to the point of resentment to my own thoughts. my own conscience hated itself.
every little thought i had that could destroy me, every little thought that popped into my head made me mad. i can't describe the feeling of hatred for even thinking. my own self hatred that made me hate na jaemin.
i wish there was a way to live a life without learning they things i did. i doubt na jaemin nor lee jeno knew that i knew. or will ever in the first place. i cut them both out of my life and never looked back. i requested a seat change and got it. i did everything to stay away from them. i focused on my studies, i would sleep in free time. i brought my own lunch and stopped eating in the cafeteria in the same spot near the vending machine down the hallway.
the sight of na jaemin would make me tear up and fight the feeling of throwing up. i was scared of what na jaemin would think of me. i was scared that na jaemin would hate me for knowing what i did. for not letting him speak. i was scared that if i let na jaemin talk to me, he would see me cry and sob. i was scared that na jaemin would be mad at me when he realized that i cut him off because we didn't talk it out.
we should've talked it out and resolved it. i was a dumb teenager. i was a dumb teenager scared of hurt. i was a dumb little teenager with a scattered mind and a fear of disappointing others. in my mom and dad's home, in my old room, at the top of the closet, sits a box with all the things na jaemin ever gave me. everything he ever made me get. everything.
