Not A Finch

Chapter 14: Augie

Augustus's POV

"Augie."

The soft sound of Calloway's voice barely makes it past the loud rhythm of the music coming from my earphones. I want to pretend I don't hear him. I want to pretend that I don't exist, that I'm just a random man waiting in a hospital lobby.

Maybe I'm waiting for a child to be delivered or for my mom to get done with her monthly exams. Maybe even for a girlfriend to get off work.

It doesn't matter. As long as I'm someone else.

Rue shifts in his sleep causing a ripple effect of auburn curls to brush against my neck. His sleeping form subconsciously nuzzles into my shoulder and I can smell his shampoo.

My brothers are always here to ground me. To keep me from floating away. To keep me chain--

I take an earphone out of my ear and turn to Callie.

I am no one else. I am Augustus Finch and I am here because I put my little brother into a coma.

"Yes?" I say lowly, studying my older brother who sits hunched in on himself. I don't turn off the mellow song blasting into my ears. The melancholy words of a woman who knew only pain was the only thing keeping me in place--keeping me from curling into a ball and allowing myself to stop existing.

Calloway's ash black hair shadows his pale face in a mess of curls bent the wrong way and intertwined tangles of uncombed hair. It looks horrible. Callie's hair never looks like this. It never looks like he has no control. It's always perfect without him even trying...yet sitting here in this muted hospital lobby Callie's hair is ugly.

It scares me.

Calloway sniffs and brings a hand to his chest as he takes a large breath that shakes his whole body. He was in his "calm" stage of grief right now, a breathy state he took on in-between his fits of silent tears that he tried to cover up for our sake by pulling his hood over his head. He looks at me with tired honey stained eyes that are rimmed with a dull red.

I want to look away.

I stare at him intently and he stares back. He tries to give me a smile, to ease my pain and take the burden of my violence that had almost killed our baby, but it's weak and barely lifts the corners of his mouth.

I almost murdered Asher.

I almost killed him. I almost took Ash's life.

What if I did take his life? What if he never woke up?

I'm scared.

Images of baby's Ash's face leaks from my mind blinding me with a wide eyed dimpled cheek trusting child who was as stubborn as I was...but better. Warmer, Gentler, Funnier, and so damn independent you could see the success roll of his shoulders in waves.

Even as a baby he didn't cling to Hunter, Calloway, and I like the rest of the kids did--no he wanted to be his own man.

My stomach does flips in my stomach and I feel like I'm going to throw up my heart.

I don't know how to handle the avalanche of feelings that seemed to be resting just beyond my eyes. I know if I move too quickly or speak too loudly I'll disrupt the sleeping chaos.

"Augie the doc--." Callie stops mid sentence, his words suddenly blending into hot tears and panicked breath. The dark haired boy retreats back into his green hoodie allowing the mess of hair on top of his head to disappear too.

I want to reach out and comfort him. I want to be a good brother. I want to apologize for my evilness. I need to ease his pain. I need to wake up Asher from that coma so that Callie could hold his baby again.