The Brothers and I

Chapter 40

James 

The elevator seemed to take forever as it tediously climbed the 52 floors of our busy head office. My eyes landed on the large mirrors on either side which accurately reflected my aloof, self-contained and formally dressed exterior but failed to portray the instability that was swirling within. The only dead giveaway was the hint of turmoil that peaked through the deep-set hollowness of the eyes.

Snapping my gaze away, I took in a deep breath and loosened the tie around my collar, my gut churning uncomfortably at the thought of facing Mia again.

From the moment I had left her, unceremoniously in that claustrophobic cabin, the disastrous conversation replayed constantly in my mind. I was plagued with arguments and counter arguments to the various ways that conversation could have gone but in the end, I could never truly reach a conclusion. Because logically, I couldn't argue with my actions or the lack thereof but logic it seemed had failed me in this instance.

What my mate required was emotional support and I had spectacularly failed her when she needed me the most.

My fist connected with one of the mirrors at the thought, distorting the perfect image as it cracked down the middle. The beast within me snarled as he pushed to the front; eyes glowing bright at the sight of me in the mirror. Canines extended along with the claws as it wrestled for control.

Shoving my fist further into the cracked mirror, I closed my eyes and fought him with all my strength. My body shook with the strain as my heart raced and sweat dripped down my skin. Some of the shards shattered, dropping to the ground as my knuckles began to bleed profusely; the pain forcing the snarling and raging wolf back into the deep pit of my mind.

I panted as I struggled to catch my breath. This dance between my wolf and I had become a regular occurrence every time the wolf's bane began to wear off in the system. The struggle to hold him back in such times took immense determination and strength but this time it was that much harder. The beast was enraged and I couldn't argue with him. After all, it was I who had caused his mate's suffering and that went against his very basic instinct.

Pulling my hand away, I watched the skin stitch back together, forcing out the splinters from my knuckles as it began to heal. The momentary relief that the pain had caused was gone along with my peace of mind.

The guilt swarmed back, tugging at my conscience as Mia's plea echoed in my mind. There was something about this emotion, this guilt, that was downright disconcerting and intensely uncomfortable for me. Not only did it hint at a sense of regret over misguided words and actions but it also made me question my ability in taking astute decisions. There was nothing that escaped my thorough process of inspection and critical thinking but all the thinking in the world had rendered my decision-making ability in this scenario utterly flawed.

How could I be the advisor to the pack when my counsel only operated from a place of logic and never from compassion? Every single recommendation that I had advised my brothers to take when it came to Mia, had gone from bad to worse including the decision to not give into my instinct in that cabin.

Of course, I had my well-intentioned reasons for putting a stop to the need flaring between us in that moment before it progressed into something I couldn't control; but I was having a hard time coming to terms with the price I or we were willing to pay in order to maintain the status quo in the pack.

Had we really become that heartless, emotionless that we were prepared to turn a blind eye to our mate's suffering? Was this all really worth it in the end?

My jaw clenched hard at the lack of answer just as the elevator doors opened to the top-most floor.

I almost buckled at the scent of my mate that hit me full force. There was an undeniable hint of fear in that sweet floral scent but it also held a touch of anger.