Chapter 20

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I stare at my laptop which is laying on my desk. My palms are tingling, teasing and torturing me. It's tempting me but I know I shouldn't do it. Especially not with Valentin away. He said he's going on a mission and that he will be back soon but I'm already tempted and I doubt he wouldn't let me do it, if he would be here. I don't want to do anything behind his back, especially nothing like this but I'm dying to find out. My curiosity needs to be fed. I need to know.

I haven't touched my laptop since I put it away after the FaceTime call with my father.

It was hurting too much to pick it up and try it again. I wasn't even in the right state of mind to use it for other things like getting help, contacting Max or anything else. It's surprising that Valentin let me keep it. Apparently he trusted me enough to know I wouldn't do anything like this and he was right. He knew better. He knew me better than I knew myself. Back then I wasn't sure, if I wanted to stay but now I know that I'm not going anywhere. I don't want to go anywhere. This is my place. Whatever Valentin and I are right now, we are my reason to stay. My main reason at least. The other one would be that I don't want to go back home and live at the same place as my dad. I can't see him right now... but I want to.

Valentin won't forgive me, if I call him. If I do anything behind his back. Especially something that could put him in danger. It may be because I'm so obedient but I don't like doing things without telling him.

I open the laptop.

I hate myself.

Valentin will hate me.

I open FaceTime and want to look away as I see my pathetic face on the screen. I'm still a child who won't learn. I run after those who push me away and don't want me and then get upset when the expected outcome happens. I'm embarrassing enough to beg to be loved. Tears build but I keep them at bay because I don't want him to see me cry again. Even if I'm still a child, I'm stronger now. I can have this conversation without crying my eyes out or looking all dead and exhausted. At least that's what I'm thinking now. That almost changes when it starts ringing.

Come on.

The wall I built can't tremble now. It can't fall.

Come on.

Answer.

It rings and rings but he doesn't answer. My breathing goes faster. I'm getting impatient. He's not answering. He will never answer.

I slam the laptop shut and cover my eyes with my palms.

Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.

I take a deep, shaky breath and hold it until I'm sure I won't cry when I take my hands off.

Maybe he's sleeping. It's late in the night anyway. But I know my father. He's not sleeping at this time and he always answers his phone calls because of his business, no matter white time it is. He's avoiding me. I don't even dare to think further about it or make an opinion on it because if I do, I fall apart. It tears me apart. I hate being the one with daddy issues. I hate this all. I don't want this to hurt so much. Why can't I just accept it?

Why can't I be like other girls and just enjoy staying with a handsome, mysterious man who gives me everything I ask for? Why do I need more?

Valentin would slaughter me if he would find out about this and he would have every right to do so. I broke my own heart again by not listening to him. He didn't give me any rules but I know he would've told me to not do this. He is rational and mature. Not like me. I don't get it, even if you brutally shove it in my head. I feel so dumb for trying and I hate myself for it. What did I hope was going to happen? What did I plan to say to him? Nothing. I just hoped for a miracle change. Stupid.

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