If I Stay✔️

54

trigger warning: mentions of abuse, sexual assault, addiction (drugs/alcohol) mental health/illness' (schizophrenia, bi polar, OCD, ADHD, bulimia, anorexia)

L E O
Week One.

There was more people in the room than I imagined there to be, at least twenty kids, give or take. Including myself, Oliver and his friends. The chairs were set in a semi circle, all pointing directly to one chair that sat alone — Charlie's chair.

I could feel his eyes on me as soon as I entered the room. Taking the seat between Oliver and Felix, I purposely avoided any form of eye contact with Charlie. Beneath the hollowness that had taken over since my medication kicked in, there was a bitter swell of anger in my gut. A feeling that no pill could erase, anger directed at Charlie.

He was the one person I let myself wholeheartedly trust. A courtesy not even Emilio or Zac had ever been granted. I'd always liked the fact that Charlie only knew and spent time with me. I didn't have to worry about him sharing what I told him with anyone else, why would I? He wasn't Zac, he wouldn't become overwhelmed with my darkness to then feel the need to share my private life with my brothers, or, brother, specifically Grey. He wasn't Emilio, he didn't have any expectations. He was Charlie, he was my friend. But over the past year, he changed.

He became closer with Zac, a point that was proven that night on the bridge. I trusted him that night, I called to thank him for always seeing me as a priority. Look how that backfired, look where it got me. He's not my Charlie anymore, I don't think he ever was.

I think a small part of me hoped that Charlie was a person I'd never have to share with anyone else. How much more selfish could I get? I didn't own Charlie, he wasn't a possession. Charlie's an adult, he's allowed to have other people in his life that aren't me, selfish selfish selfish, but did one of those other people have to be my dad? 

His friendship with Zac ruined our relationship without him even realising it. It embedded a fear in me, one so bone chilling and heart wrenching, one that made it impossible for me to ever see Charlie in the same light as I did before.

"Are you nervous?" Felix whispered to me, or, well, attempted to whisper. I don't think he truly understands how to lower his boisterous voice.

I shrugged. Nervous wasn't the the right word for me to use. Of course I had nerves, but they were hidden beneath fear. The thought of having to discuss my inner demons in-front of all these kids made my hands shake. My pulse, on the side of my neck, was thudding at a rate more rapid than I could breathe. Why can't I just open up when I want to? Why did everything about me, have to be decided for me?

"Don't sweat it, Leo." Presley began with a short comforting smile, taking the seat to Felix's left. "It's not actually as bad as it sounds."

"Pres is right." Rowan agreed as he and Arlo took the spare seats next to Oliver. "The only thing Charlie will want you to say is your name and your illness. I mean, it could be worse."

"What if I don't want to say anything?"

"You have to." Arlo said, surprising me. His voice was timid and low, so low that I could barely make out his words.

Tilting my head slightly, I stared at the small boy. "I have to?" I repeated, making sure I'd heard him right.

He flushed red and nodded shyly, averting his eyes from mine.