empathy

FORTY-NINE

The edge of life and death is a fragile step. It's a line everyone can cross at any point, a line everyone is well aware of and yet seems to be avoiding. Well, most people are. 

Anastasia counted to the many people, who never really thought about said line. She's never been oblivious of it and never tried to avoid it. She simply never thought about crossing it any time soon.

Yet she finds herself balancing the slim bond. Everything inside of her is pulling towards life, her heart, soul and body. And yet something seems to be dragging her back to the depth of death.

With every pull of her body, it gets weaker. Like her muscles are simply giving in to the increased burning of her veins, letting them take control while falling numb. It's like with every pull, another flame is added to the fire engulfing her. 

Her heart is growing heavy, holding onto the few things she loves, the few people she loves. Memories of her mother in her library and Antonina are keeping it light and awake. And Jasper is keeping it beating. 

Anastasia isn't sure whether it's a good thing, whether she should be grateful for him keeping her alive or whether she should despise him for the pain he is putting her through. She is putting herself through because of him.

Just when exactly did he become this important to her?

--- -- -

Jasper is watching Anastasia quietly, his eyes unblinking as he stares at her trashing form. Screams are leaving her lips and pure agony is radiating off her. He can feel it and yet he can't do anything about it. He has never felt this useless. 

It's been four days now. 

Four days since he had to decide. Four days since he had to choose bad or worse. And for four days he's been blaming himself. He knows this is not what she wants, he knew it back then as well. And yet he couldn't seem to let her die. 

Carlisle told him he could've sucked the venom out but her injuries were so bad, she would have died. She was too weak to survive. 

So he chose to take her life away either way, in possibly the worst way imaginable. 

"Jas," Emmett knocks at the door, hoping for a reaction. But like usual, there isn't a trace of him even noticing his brother. 

Jasper is constantly fighting with himself. He's fighting the major, who's pushing to take control to stand by his mate's side, his fighting his guilt telling him she won't survive the transition and he's fighting the urge to rip this whole room apart. 

When he saw her laying in that room, a wave of rage crashed over him. He has never felt that angry before. All he could see was red as he ripped James to pieces without seeming to notice himself doing it. The major was equally as present as him and yet he had full control. 

It was a frightening sight for his family. They have never seen Jasper act like this and they really got to see his strength. Something they have been majorly underestimating. James was trashing and fighting back as hard as he could but Jasper didn't even seem to notice. 

"Carlisle got some blood bags from the hospital for when she wakes up."

The one time Jasper did talk was when he disagreed with Carlisle to try and have her live off animal blood from the first day on. He knows how much more Anastasia values animals over humans and she knows how hard the transition can be, he can't imagine how much harder it would be with animal blood. 

It's much less satisfying. 

Jasper looks up for just a moment and takes them out of Emmett's hands, silently nodding for him to leave again.

Emmett sighs sadly but leaves Anastasia's either way. 

Jasper didn't want to take her to his. It didn't feel right and he was scared about her reacting badly to Antonina's scent once she woke up. He knows she would never forgive herself for even thinking about hurting her little sister. And he also thought it would be good to wake up in a familiar environment, in a room she has known since childhood. 

Closing his eyes when one last scream leaves her lips, he looks at her pained as her whole body shuts down. Her heart beats one last time and one last breath leaves her lips before it's quiet. Completely and utterly silent. Almost scaringly so. 

Moving closer to her, his hand rests on her cheek, which is much cooler than it used to be. There is no more body heat, no more blood rushing through her veins.

"I'm so sorry, my darlin'," he speaks up for the first time in four days. His voice is unusual raspy. 

Anastasia's eyes shoot open and he nearly flinches at the bright red of her eyes.

The sun is shining a little too brightly and she quickly closes her eyes again, her brows knitted together in discomfort. 

Jasper is quickly on his feet to draw the curtains shut before he is already back by her side, one of the blood bags in his hand. Yet he doesn't give it to her immediately, rather putting it behind himself as she sits up, still feeling nothing but discomfort. 

The heavy wind is ringing in her ears, cars passing by far away are accelerating far too loudly and worst of all, the rain is basically making her deaf. 

"It's alright, focus on me," Jasper whispers. He remembers his own awaking and the discomfort he felt and doesn't want to add to hers. "Just listen to my voice, blend it out. You'll be alright."

His hand once again reaches up to her cheek and he wipes below her eye, leaning in to kiss her forehead tenderly, his lips resting against her skin. It's less soft as well. "You'll be alright, darlin'."

"Jas," her voice is quiet yet in her ears, she's screaming. Her voice is softer, tender. Reaching up to her throat, her nails curling into her skin as she desperately tries to get rid of the burning, she coughs a little. 

What's happening?

"I know, I know," he means gingerly and grabs the blood bag, handing it to her. "Jas, I can't," she shakes her head, wanting nothing more but to shed the tears that have pooled in her eyes. But her body is preventing even this. For it's not tears she'd be shedding, it would be venom. 

"I'm so sorry, darling," his own eyes fall shut as he pushes down his own feelings. 

He isn't important right now. What's important right now is her. 

"But I need you to drink this, please. For me and if not for me, for Antonina. She needs you."

He isn't playing fair, he knows that and it's ripping him apart to manipulate her like this. But he couldn't bear to lose her. 

Anastasia looks at him, fully aware of what he's doing but also knowing he's telling the truth. So, she takes the bag out of his hand and covers her mouth and nose at the overwhelming smell the moment she opens it up. 

Jasper watches her for a moment, his hand gently taking hers to rest them in her lap, his thumb drawing comforting circles on the back of it. 

"Try to drink slow. It will be hard and you'll want to chug it down, but it will satisfy your hunger better. I promise."

Looking at him for another second, Anastasia takes another moment before quickly bringing the bag to her lips, the drops of blood bringing her into some sort of daze as she downs the bag quickly. 

The only thing holding her bag from completely chugging it down is Jasper's voice in the back of her mind, quietly trying to comfort her.