ALL I WANT [S.M]

08. Confessions

"I," he paused, closing his eyes. "Well, I don't know if anyone told you, but I had this girlfriend." Shawn said, pursing his lips. "Her name was Evelyn."

He didn't look at me, he just tugged at his hair and stared at the ground, and I sat back listening to his story with my heart open. Watching him be hurt was like a bullet to the heart, though.

"I really really liked her. I don't know if I loved her, I've never been in love before... Um, we dated for over a year."

Shawn shielded his eyes with his hand. I suddenly felt so bad for putting him through this again.

"You know what, I shouldn't have asked, I was just worried, you don't have to tell me it's--"

He didn't look up as he interrupted me,"No it's okay... I'll--I don't mind."

"Oh, okay." I said softly.

He shook his head, continuing. "I... well, she wanted to have... she wanted to have sex with me."

His voice cracked in his sentence, and he was crying, but he tried to hide it by swallowing hard and clearing his throat. I watched every little detail of everything he did, and every small motion he made made my heart beat a little faster.

"I didn't want to. I wasn't emotionally ready, you know? Like, I wanted to, but was scared I would mess something up or something. She was my first girlfriend, and, well, you know what I mean. So I refused, but she kept asking me too. She was getting mad, I guess. She had done it before and I would be losing my virginity to her and I didn't know if I was ready... She said that the reason I wouldn't do it was because she didn't mean anything to me, but it really wasn't. It wasn't! She meant so much to me, so much. Olivia, now that I think about it I think I did love her!" he cried, slamming his hands on the steering wheel.

I just sat there, I didn't know what to say.

"But it's all my fault. It's all my fault Olivia, all my fault." he said quieter, leaning his head on the steering wheel, squeezing his eyes shut, and I took the chance to rub his back to comfort him. He shifted under my touch, but I kept going.

"She cheated on me. She slept with another guy because I wouldn't get over myself and do it. It's all my fault. I lost her because I was scared. She broke up with me after I lost my shit about her cheating on me. It's all my fault. Everything happened like it did because of me."

"Shawn, no, no, no," I said sweetly, leaning over to him. He just kept shaking his head.

"It's not your fault, you shouldn't feel pressured to do something you didn't want to do in the first place. It's not your fault, she did that to herself."

"It is all my fault. I ruined everything." he demanded, as if he hadn't even heard anything I just said. I guess he didn't want to blame her on anything, which was sweet but it was her fault. She was the one who lost something so precious, that she doesn't deserve to get back. "I hate myself." he muttered

"Stop, Shawn, stop. Don't blame yourself." I said sternly. He didn't listen, he just furrowed his eyebrows and sighed a hiccup-y sigh.

Suddenly, he sat back up, and I flinched my hand away. He wiped his eyes, sniffling. "I should get you home."

I leaned back in my seat, and Shawn started up the car. I did ask him to tell me what had happened, but I honestly was not expecting that. I felt bad for not knowing what to say.

"I just dumped all my shit on you, and I'm sorry." he said after a few minutes of quiet.

I looked over to him, and of course he was looking straight ahead. "Shawn, it's okay. Really. I'm glad you told me."

He shrugged and shook his head again.

"Take a left, my house is on that street." I directed him to my home and he dropped me off.

"Thank you," I called, hardly beaming as I exited his car. Shawn nodded and forced a smile. "Anytime. Hey, I'm sorry again." I thought it was cute the way he would say "sorry" with his accent. "Seriously, Shawn. It's alright." I say, waving as I enter my home.

"You're late," Leo yelled from the couch. He was sitting in a mess off tissues.

"I don't care," I snapped back at him, staring out the window as Shawn's car pulled out of my driveway and onto the street where he drove away.

"Whatever,"

"Where's mom and dad?" I asked.

"Dad's working, and mom is at a job interview. Remember?"

"Oh, oh yeah."

"They told me to tell you to text them when you got home so,"

I dropped my bag on the kitchen counter and grabbed the random water bottle next to it because I was thirsty.

I pressed the top to my rosy pink lips, positioning my head backwards. Room-temperature liquid sailed down my throat refreshingly, and as I removed the bottle from my mouth I sighed with satisfaction.

"Hey, dumbass," Leo lipped, "That's my water."

My jaw dropped, adrenaline quickly building up, and I threw the bottle at him. "Are you serious?!" I screamed, suddenly fuming. Leo nodded, raising his eyebrows; annoyed."WHAT THE FUCK, UGH." I shrieked, tossing my arms in the air with distress. I stomped into my room, hearing from Quentin's bedroom (which was right beside mine),"LANGUAGE, WOW. I CAN'T TAKE LIVING IN A HOUSE WITH TWO TEENAGERS THAT CURSE LIKE SAILORS." and then everyone in the house was grumpy.

I jumped onto my bed, screaming into my pillow. I then sobbed for about two hours for several reasons.

First, I knew I was going to get sick because I drank Leo's germ-y sick water. Second, I was feeling really bad for Shawn and I wanted to make him better. Third, it was the wrong time of the month. And finally, I thought I really liked Shawn but I knew it may never work out since he was stuck on Evelyn.

I cried and cried, and soon my parents came home. I guess someone heard me bawling and told Mom about it, so she bursted into my room, worried for me.

"Honey, what happened?" she asked, sitting on my bed, concerned as I rested my head on her chest and she gently stroked my back.

"I'm just all in my feelings. I'm crying for so many reasons, mom." I wept, rubbing the running tears off of my face with my hands.

"It's okay, love. It's gonna be okay." she whispered, kissing my head as she held me.

That was really what I needed.

When I finally calmed down, I felt really sleepy, so I didn't move, and neither did she.