A Storm Is Brewing

Falling in Love?

For the next few months, Leah showered me with attention, visiting each other when we could, and video calling me when we couldn't. I felt like a lovesick teenager, but I didn't care; I was happy.

The first day of spring gave me the motivation to go out with the old and in with the new. I decided to take two days off work to clear my house out and get rid of the last few memories of Hannah that formed an imaginary grey cloud above the roof. Arsenal played against Aston Villa that afternoon, a game that Leah was confident they would win.

I texted Leah good luck and sat down to watch the match. Watching her lead her team out was like no other feeling of pride that I had ever experienced, but I had no idea what was to come. Just 23 minutes in, Leah went down in a nasty challenge that, in my eyes, could only have been an attempt to injure her. I screamed at the TV, patiently waiting for her to get up, but she never did. She was stretchered off after 5–6 minutes.

After an excruciating wait, a text from Leah finally appeared on my phone.

Leah
Out for the next few matches at least. I'm in a lot of pain, but I'm okay. I'll call you soon.

Sophie
Thank god you're as okay as you can be. Let me know when you know more. I miss you.

Leah
I miss you too, especially right now.

A few hours later, my phone buzzed; it had been firmly in my hand since the tackle had happened, meaning I answered on the first ring. Leah's voice was quiet, and I could tell she had been crying, making my heart feel heavy.

"No surgery, but I do have a hamstring injury. I'm looking at about six weeks out."
"I'm sorry. I hoped it would be more minor. Good thing about the surgery, though." I tried to reassure her.
"Yeah. That's the only positive. Can you come over?"
"I'm sorry, I have court the next few days. Could I maybe try to come at the weekend?"
"No, don't worry. It was a silly question. Of course you have work; I didn't think so. I'll see you soon."

Leah's tone was strange; I couldn't tell if she was marginally annoyed that I had rejected her offer to see her, but I couldn't just let my clients down. Court dates weren't something that could be easily changed because something had happened; numerous times I had been forced to attend court despite being ill or after a death in the family.

Leah's recovery was hard—harder than she expected, and definitely tougher on our blossoming relationship than I had expected. As the weekend approached, I asked Leah again about going over to see her, and the answer was a definite no. She said that she was going to stay with her mum for a few days and only had a single bed there, so it would be pointless. I tried to overlook the pointless comment, but I would be lying if I said it hadn't knocked me for six.

Our conversations became sparse; they consisted of me asking if she was okay and her updating me on her latest injury developments. Leah and I hadn't yet put a label on our relationship; we had been pretty chilled about the pace of development, but this had shown me that sometimes being laid back can be a negative trait.

The end of the weekend calmed my nerves for the next day's case. An inquest into the death of a young adult, a family that believed the death had been suspicious, and a police force that would stop at nothing to disprove that theory. My nerves had caused a fire in the pit of my stomach, a burning desire to have Leah beside me. I tried to FaceTime her, but it rang out. A few minutes later, she texted me to tell me that she was busy with her family, making my heart feel heavier than it already did.

Leah
Busy with Mum and Dad. Everything okay?

Sophie
Don't worry, just a bit nervous for tomorrow and wanted to talk to you.

Leah
Sorry, I have to go. Good luck for tomorrow. Night Soph x

Sophie
Yeah. Night.

Bam. The tears came. The tears I had been holding in since Leah was injured on screen in front of my eyes. I knew she was having a tough time, and I have been trying to remember that, but I just wanted some kind words from her before a day that means a lot to me.

I headed to bed, tossing and turning for hours before the biggest day of my career. The more I tossed and turned, the more the anger swirled around my body like liquid finding its way through pipes. Was Leah all she had made out? She told me she was this person who believed that any passion was important, so why was my job not something that I could be nervous about? How could she hear that I was feeling nervous and not even take two minutes to text me more than good luck?

I tried for hours to put this to the back of my mind, but the more I tried, the more my blood boiled and the more I felt that self preservation kick in.

Sophie
Are you still up?

Leah
Yeah. What's wrong?

Sophie
Can you talk?

Leah
Not right now, everyone's asleep. You should be too. Big day tomorrow for you.

Sophie
Is it?

Leah
You said you have court?

Sophie
I know. I'm asking if you think that's a big day.

Leah
Well, you said it was. What's this about?

Sophie
I wanted to talk to you hours ago. I was met with a simple 'can't talk'. I needed five minutes of your time to make me feel better when I was feeling sad, nervous, or whatever. You're still up hours later, and you've said everyone is in bed, couldn't you have texted?

Leah
I didn't want to wake you.

Sophie
But it's fine to wake me when you've just finished a Champions League game in America?

Leah
You told me to text you at that time! Why are you being so difficult?

Sophie
Because I feel invisible!

Leah
Invisible?

Sophie
'Pointless' that I visit, nothing from you for days, no support when I'm nervous. I'm just this secret that you keep in a different country. Does anyone even know about me? Is that why you didn't want me there—because people would be visiting and they didn't know I existed?

Leah
Soph

Sophie
Oh my god. It is, isn't it?

Leah
What am I supposed to say? This is a girl from Ireland that I'm kind of seeing that I have no hope of a future with because she's married to her fucking job and so am I!

Sophie
Wow. Goodbye Leah.

Leah
I didn't mean that.

Sophie
I think you did.

Leah
Soph
Please reply
Sophie, please
I'm sorry
Soph?

I did see those repetitive texts coming from Leah, but I ignored them all. Hannah said I was married to my job too, but Leah had told me that she was wrong to say that. She told me I was just passionate about it. What I couldn't understand was, if there was no chance of a future with me and Leah, what had we been doing? Was it just fun to have secret meetings with someone from a different country?

My mind began to race pretty quickly, and I began to overthink everything. I wondered if Leah had been seeing other people; if we weren't official and she thought we had no future, she probably had. A few more texts came through, none of any real substance but mostly sorry texts and pleas for her innocence for accidentally typing the message in anger. If my mum taught me anything, it's that what is said in anger has to be somewhere in the head of the person who says it.

My alarm buzzed as I pondered the idea of once again being the mug of the situationship. My eyes were stinging with tiredness, my face was white, and my body ached. A full day of court meant that I had to carry on and be the best I could be for my clients. They lost their daughter to death; I just lost a person I had grown fond of and loved. Love. I suppose that's what it was, love.