"Sometimes, you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself, and love yourself enough to become a new person."
_ Gerard Way _
᪥᪥᪥᪥
Hilary Idara Eghosa has always been one of the Elites in Crestview Inter...
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
𝐇𝐈𝐋𝐀𝐑𝐘 (Hilary Idara Eghosa)
Cold.
That was all I could feel. Cold.
I could feel the chilling sensation all the way to the tip of my fingers and the curve of my ears, biting into my skin like I was having frostbite all over. It was like needles, prickling my skin painfully, a burning feeling as it penetrated the pores of my body and froze up my blood, icing it up till I was rigid, unmovable.
It felt like my muscles were completely frozen. Numb
Even though I was wrapped up in a blanket, buried under more and more layers of duvet, the cold was still excruciating. It was hard to tell if the unusual cold was coming from the buzzing air conditioner, or if was just the cold hands of death finally coming to take me away.
Either way, it was so painful. But I needed this physical pain to numb the agonizing pain that filled my heart.
It wasn't working.
If anything, it was getting worse. And it scared me so much because it felt like it might never go away.
Is this how damaged I am? Damaged beyond repair?
It's been months. Months since Henry passed and I have still not gotten over everything that happened. I've still not gotten over the feeling of overwhelming sadness, the feeling of guilt, the feeling of hatred, the feeling of unforgiveness... feelings I knew for a fact were eating me up from the inside out... feelings that were consuming me.
And no, those feelings weren't just channeled at Jidenna Okojie. They were channeled at me.
A bulk of those feelings, I felt it for myself. And it seemed to have intensified after what happened earlier this week.
And it's killing me slowly. Painfully.
I hate this feeling. This feeling of emptiness that seems to have built up to an irreversible point. This feeling of void that has created a big hole in my heart. This feeling of hollowness that I have ignored and consciously allowed myself to be caged in for so long.
If only Jidenna had not brought it all back. Maybe, just maybe I'd have been able to live with it being buried deep down in the deepest, darkest parts of me.
I was okay with acting like it was all in the past. Acting like he didn't exist made it a whole lot easier to pretend as if it was all forgotten and gone, and everything was okay. Being around my friends... being around Simi made it so much easier to forget for just a flitting moment what pain felt like... what guilt felt like. What self-loathing felt like.
