Please Me (Rewritten)

One: St. Alexander's Catholic School

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St. Alexander's Catholic School

St. Alexander's Catholic school. Aka, the bane of my existence. Aka, the cause of my current suffering seeing as i'm now sitting in a principal's office that looks straight out of Harry Potter. To start with, my uniform was far too uncomfortable for something they're expecting me to wear for 8 hours every day. Plaid skirt, button down shirt, red tie and stockings. I feel like damn Gogo from Kill Bill.

"I'm very excited you've decided to join us here at St. Alexanders, Elizabeth," the one sitting across from me beams, showing off her perfectly straight white teeth with a smile that looks picture perfect identical to my mothers. I adjust my posture awkwardly in the uncomfortable wooden chair I was sitting in as I fight the urge that I've had to laugh ever since I walked in here and saw my aunt in her nun get up.

Did I forget to mention that the principle of this dungeon of religious vipers in plaid was also my mothers sister? They both grew up in a very religious household. My grandparents make god himself look like a sinner. The last time I remember meeting them I was six and at their house for Christmas dinner. My mother downed three bottles of red wine including seven slices of pound cake before proceeding to puke violently on grams brand new carpet during her tenth performance singing Delta Dawn.

Never saw them again.

"Didn't really have a choice, auntie," I responded boredly. I slowly eyed her outfit, the classic black tunic and matching headpiece. "Is it uncomfortable wearing that all the time? Y'know, is that why you make us wear these itchy ass uniforms so you don't feel left out?"

"Elizabeth Parks, if you're going to insist on using such foul language in my presence, i suggest telling your mother to start looking somewhere else for you to spend your final year of schooling," auntie snaps with annoyance. I eye her with thin eyes and pouty lips.

"You and I both know that's not possible," I say with the same amount of annoyance towards my mother as her. Trust me, it's not like I'm dick riding the universe for coming here. If it was my choice, I would've picked a good old public school with bathrooms that have urine all over the floor tiles and toilet shattering cafeteria food. But once my mother found out my father's job was relocating him to Chicago, she frantically insisted on sending me to her sister's school. My dad could give a tiny rat's ass about where I go, same as i. He probably doesn't even realize it's catholic. My bet though is my mother's probably looking for some form of reconciliation after my grandparents passing last winter.

"And it's Eli, auntie. You know I don't like being called Elizabeth. It makes me feel like a grandma," I remind her. She frowns at my correction before biting back.

"Elizabeth was my mothers name, young lady, as well as your grandmothers!"

I eye her. "Exactly."

She stares at me blankly and I stare back at her with a smirk trying not to burst out into a fit of laughter right in front of her. "Moving on," she sighs, deciding not to push further, probably knowing I just enjoy it the more she gets annoyed. "Let's discuss the real reason you're here and missing the first part of morning mass. Perfect way to note that you should never miss morning mass," she emphasizes the word never. I have a tendency to be late to things. More like a tendency to set thirty alarms and sleep past every single one of them like I did this morning.

"How dare you think so low of me, auntie," I sarcastically cry which she chooses to ignore.

"Morning mass is a crucial part of our daily walk with the Lord, dear. You also will later on discuss what you learned that day during morning mass in your afternoon courses so it's best to actually pay attention to what the father is preaching and not fall asleep snoring so loudly it echoes throughout the entire chapel." Also referring to an incident of mine that happened in middle school the last time we visited my aunt and attended the church. The pastor at the time had one foot in the grave and could barely get a full sentence out without having to be resuscitated. How could I not fall asleep?