Diary on The Shelf!

Chapter 4

'Conflict of the heart'

THE BLANK look on Halima's face was more than enough to assure her sister that she wasn't amused the slightest bit nor was she jesting. Ifrah let out a long sigh and sat up on the bed, she stretched her arms open wide for her sister and motioned for her to crawl into her embrace.

Halima sighed as her sister's arms enveloped her, leaning back against her. Ifrah's fingers ran through her shoulder-length hair, and then she exhaled deeply.

"Being with Val is like . . . waking up on a rainy day and realising that you don't have to go to school and then you get a cup of hot cocoa to warm you up. And it's never-ending with, the pleasant feeling, the calm that comes with being close to her. It's like every weight is suddenly lightened when I'm with her." Ifrah sighed dreamily as her thoughts took a trail to her girlfriend.

"Aren't you scared?" Halima fiddled with the tips of her fingers.

"Very. But I can't let fear keep me away from someone I love."

Halima sighed sadly, she didn't know what that felt like and felt like she never would. At least not when she was getting married off to Ismail.

"Aren't you frightened of Allah's (S. W) punishment?" She asked softly. Ifrah stiffened for a moment and stilled her moving hands.

"I'm sorry Ifrah, it's okay you don't have to answer that," Halima added quickly when her sister hadn't responded for a while.

"No, it's okay." Ifrah's voice trembled slightly, struggling to find the right words.

Ifrah was aware of how society viewed her relationship, and though she didn't hold back on living her life, it wasn't always easy. She was already facing challenges from her parents, and she knew that in certain places, her relationship could put her in danger. But she firmly believed that love wasn't meant to be judged. If she was to face judgment, she'd rather leave it to a higher power.

Oh, isn't it fascinating how society seems to shrug off behaviors like fornication, alcohol consumption, immodest clothing, and a plethora of other vices? But somehow, when it comes to being part of the LGBTQ community or identifying as homosexual, it's a whole different story. Such a curious double standard, isn't it?

"If being scared means what I feel is wrong, then I reject that idea. It feels right to me. Maybe not everyone will accept it, but I'm leaving that judgment to Allah (S.W). Only He will judge me by my deeds, so fuck everyone's opinions on how to live my life."

Halima chuckled softly at that. "I accept you. You know I do." Halima mumbled softly and pressed a soft kiss on the back of her sister's hand.

"I know." Ifrah's eyes glistened with tears. It meant the world to her to have a supportive sister, no matter their differences.

She took a shaky breath and fluttered her eyelids rapidly. "Anyway, when's your wedding?" She asked.

Halima let out a grumble causing Ifrah to laugh. "You don't have to marry him you know, I'm sure if you talked to dad he'd let them down easily."

Halima scoffed, "Did you see the look in his eyes when he heard that he's a doctor? I'm pretty sure by the time I'm done with fourth I'll be engaged to him or even earlier who knows?" She sighed.

"Plus mom would chew my head off if I reject the guy." She added disdainfully.

"So what? You're going to get married off and then they'll expect a baby within the first year. Is that really what you want?"

Halima felt a tightness in her throat. Ifrah was making sense, but she was being too harsh. She swallowed hard, "Maybe it wouldn't be so terrible," she mumbled with a shaky voice, almost on the verge of tears.

"Don't you want to meet a man of your choice?" Halima flinched when she said a man. Although, she would never let Ifrah know. 

"Don't you want to meet someone you choose? Experience love on your own terms, marry when you're ready, not because you're suddenly entangled with a guy you barely know?"

"Saima had an arranged marriage which turned out great." Halima countered weakly.

"Yeah, because she'd known the guy for a while and just kept it a secret. Look, I know you want to be daddy's good little princess but Halima marriage isn't easy. Aunt Yasmin had to file for talaka and you know how our family frowns upon divorces because her arranged marriage didn't go well and her husband turned out to be an abusive prick."

A realization struck Halima like lightning. Her eyes widened, her jaw dropped, and she felt her chest tighten. Was she really going to marry Ismail? She felt her throat constricting as she tried taking deep breaths. Her heart started thumping against her chest harshly causing her to grasp her chest through her dress tightly. Was she really going to be married to Ismail?

Her parents thought him the best fit and it already seemed as though they had accepted her dowry. She clearly didn't have a say in the matter. She would be tossed like property into the arms of a man who would expect submission from her no matter how educated she was.

He would expect her to fulfill the duties of a wife once they were married and living together. She was certain she wasn't ready for marriage, however, she wasn't going to disappoint her parents. She would have to play her cards right so this arrangement would take longer than it should.