A Storm Is Brewing

Public Shaming

The atmosphere didn't improve; Leah seemed to have so much to say but so little at the same time. I, however, knew what I wanted to say, but my own insecurities were telling me that it wasn't my place. If Leah wanted the public to know about us, she would make it known. She didn't like any pictures that I posted; she hadn't spoken about me attending her games post-Christmas, and any family events that I attended with her were posted to her own socials without me in any of the frames. The comments from the social media investigators, Leah's biggest fans, were playing on loop in my head as I made dinner.

If they were together, Leah would've at least posted a picture with her.

They definitely aren't in a relationship. Leah is so proud of those she loves. She posts about those people everywhere.

Do you not remember when Leah was with her ex? Constant stories and comments under her posts. She doesn't do that with this girl, Sophie. Unsure why everyone thinks they're together?

Lol, social media is so funny. Leah has openly avoided the constant pleas for 'content' with Sophie. It's so obvious they're friends, and people suggesting they're more is making Leah so uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable. Is that how it made her feel? These people analyse every move she makes. Maybe they were best placed to tell me all the things Leah seemed to have a problem communicating.

I didn't bother sitting at the table with my dinner, instead, I went to the sofa. I knew Leah had been crying, but it wasn't fair that I had to constantly be the one to ask her what was wrong and literally beg her to talk to me about what was on her mind. Instead, I simply sat in silence; the only noise in the room came from my fork hitting the plate every now and again. Leah kept checking the time on her watch, irritating me. She was acting like she didn't want to be here but didn't feel like she could leave.

I sat my plate on the coffee table, sipping my bottle of water, before turning my face back towards the television. Again, she checked the time.

"Why don't you just go, Leah?" I sighed.
"Is that what you want?"
"I want you to do what you want for a change. Take the lead. If you want to go, which you obviously do, then go. I don't need you to babysit me."
"How do you know I want to go?"
"You've checked your watch at least 50 times since I sat down for dinner, Leah. I'm not stupid, nor am I blind." I sniped.

Leah laughed, then shook her head. She put her hand into the pocket of her hoodie and pulled out a strip of tablets, throwing them into the seat that was between us on the sofa.

"I've got 16 minutes until I can take another painkiller." She said, making me feel slightly embarrassed that I had taken it to mean something else.
"Okay. Sorry." I sighed.

I began to stand up, planning to take my plate to the kitchen and get Leah a glass of water for her tablets. I knew it was stupid to want her to be here when we weren't even talking, but the silence with Leah was better than the silence on my own. As if she were thinking the same thing as me, I felt her hand grab mine before I made it to my feet.

"Soph, please." Leah's voice cracked.
"Please what?" I looked at our hands touching as I sat back down.
"I want to talk. I want to know everything."
"Like?"
"Like, why do you immediately think that I don't want to be here because I checked the time? Why does your mind automatically decide that I don't want to be around you? You know, for this to work, I need to know things. Even things that you have locked away."

Fuck. I began to feel a wave of anxiety wash over me. She was right; maybe I hadn't told her the full story of my past, but if that meant that I didn't have to revisit it or open myself up to those old wounds again, was that really such a bad thing? In that moment, I knew I had two choices: I could become defensive and throw her off the scent, telling her that she was turning this on me, or I could speak to her like an adult and let her know why my presence in other people's lives felt so insignificant recently.

"Hannah didn't just move to New Zealand." I blurted out.
"What happened then?" Leah asked softly.
"At the time, I thought she did. I had no reason to think otherwise. When I decided to move here, I contacted her to see if she wanted to buy the house. We didn't see each other, but she did say that she thought I should know that she would be moving into the house with her girlfriend. I didn't understand at first why that would be a problem for me, but she explained that the girlfriend was the reason she had moved away in the first place."
"So she cheated?" Leah placed her arm around me, gently stroking the tip of my shoulder.
"She said it wasn't technically cheating. They hadn't done anything, not even a kiss. They just fell in love through Instagram messages and FaceTimes."
"It doesn't matter what it is; cheating is cheating. Speaking to someone in that way is cheating. Physical contact or not." Leah said firmly, and I could sense she was getting angry.
"Yeah. I guess." I sighed.
"I'm so sorry, Sophie. Why didn't you tell me?"
"You weren't around." I shrugged.
"God. Then you came to my apartment, took a risk for us, and I found someone else too. I'm so sorry."

Leah tried to remove her arm. I think she felt like she had no right to be comforting me when she had also hurt me. Leah hadn't done that, though. She waited until we had ended before she allowed herself to meet someone new. I placed my hand on top of her arm to prevent her from moving it, watching as she smiled slightly at the contact.

"I have insecurities too, you know." Leah began.
"Like what?"
"I worry that you won't want this life. I worry that you are able to walk away when it becomes too much; I can't. I'm stuck like this. If you go, I can't go with you." Leah sighed.
"What do you mean by this life?" I questioned.
"Fame. Pictures in the papers, scrutiny on social media. I try to protect you from it, but I know that you see it. I knew the consequences of our Euros win; we were trained for the media and given support for the overnight whirlwind. You weren't. I can't love you alone; I have to love you under the radar of everyone else. I remember that Christmas, I told you that I liked that you saw me as Leah, not the England captain. I liked that bubble—the one that just had us inside it. I worry that it's too much to ask." Leah struggled to hide the break in her voice.
"I thought you were ashamed of me."
"Ashamed, never. I'm protective of you. I want to stop you from having to cope with the things I have found difficult. I don't want to be the reason you feel you can't turn around without someone judging you. I'm so afraid of losing you because of who I am. I've never loved anyone the way I love you."
"I love you because of who you are. A part of that is fame, scrutiny, and judgement. I knew that before I allowed myself to fall in love. It changes nothing. I need you to understand, though, that when things are publicised, like the headline this morning, and no one knows about me, well, it hurts. A lot."

Leah didn't say anything, she simply nodded her head. Her eyes thinned slightly, and her brain was deep in thought. She cuddled me into her chest, my tense body relaxing into her safe grip as I gently exhaled. I felt better, knowing that Leah now knew how I felt, but I didn't know what was next. Would we just pretend that last night didn't happen? Carry on living a life together in secret? Was that her way of telling me that she wasn't ready for her followers to know?

I had so many questions, but right now neither Leah nor I needed to continue this deep conversation. We needed to go to bed together and feel safe in each other's arms. We both knew that this wasn't resolved—far from it—but right now, our unconditional love for one another was the only thing either of us was sure of.

The one thing about bubbles, though, is that they always pop eventually.